The delight of decadence

I’m enjoying decadence right now. It might not be decadence that others see as decadence, but it’s working for me. And I’m actively enjoying it.

Years ago someone shared with me that if I felt guilty when I did something, then I should probably do it. I apparently had a habit of feeling guilty whenever I did something just for myself, so they advised that I seek out the guilt, and aim for the guilty pleasures. That this be my North Star, my guiding force.

I followed that path for years and advised others to join me. “If you feel guilty about it, do it,” I shared. “Do the things that are just for you. Do them and enjoy them.”

Guilt can also be a guiding post for when you’ve gone too far. There is guilt that I feel when I’ve done something really out of tune with how I view myself and who I want to be. That guilt is a lesson. A lesson to not do that thing again.

The guilt that I aim for is the guilt of putting myself first and of taking care of Lisa. I aim for stopping for a moment to get really clear on what I want and what I want to do, and then if at all possible, doing it. Because I have a hardwired impulse to not do those things. I’m hardwired to not slow down and smell the roses, and to be constantly pushing to do more and prove more. I can forget to breathe. It’s a hardwired impulse that I’m slowly de-wiring.

So my decadence today? It’s a snow storm outside. It’s a snow day in fact – school was cancelled at 6am this morning. And I’m inside, with the heat turned up a bit (I’ve been told I keep the house too cold), sitting on my couch with my feet up and an afghan tucked around me, sipping a cup of Chamomile Citrus tea. I’ve allowed myself time to try and nap, time to meditate, and time to read a book just for fun. I’ve allowed myself to do only the work that needed to get done or that I felt like doing. I’ve allowed myself the space to not achieve.

And speaking of decadence, this past weekend I went to a movie…in the afternoon…with a best girlfriend. Completely decadent. I could have been running errands. I could feel guilty about seeing a movie that my husband wanted to see without him.

I’ve watched Dr. Who – sometimes with my son and sometimes by myself. I’ve turned off the pressure to find an agent (for today) and have decided to enjoy, and be proud of the consistency of, my blogging. I’m watching the snow plows and the snow blowing out my window. I’m snuggling under my blanket and sipping my tea. I’m decadent.

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