Monthly Archives: January 2015

I hated being human

Many, many years ago I was sitting in my therapist’s office, lambasting myself for some reaction or impulse. “You’re only human,” my therapist said to me. “It’s very human – very normal – to react that way.”

I felt myself writhe with disgust. If that was human, I hated being human. I was certain that I should not have had that impulse…and that I therefore should not be human. Not if that’s what being human entailed.

Perhaps it was my religious – fanatically religious – upbringing that taught me to strive for “better than human.” Perhaps I was attempting to compensate for my (self) perceived sinful ways and worthlessness. Perhaps I was losing myself in my need to control….again. Even – or especially – the things I couldn’t control.

Who knows, and who cares. What I do know is that as soon as my therapist pointed out my humanness, I was submerged with my need to not be human. I hated being human.

I’m not happy to admit that not as many years ago I was sitting in a different therapist’s office, and she also pointed out the humanness of something I’d done. Of me in fact. And again I knew I had to immediately overcome, eradicate, and expunge this weakness. The weakness of my humanness.

However, I am happy to admit that that was still a few years ago, and since then I’ve learned to embrace my humanness. To happily and unabashedly accept my humanness. To join the rest of you in it and feel the relief of not having to be superhuman anymore. It is a relief.

I guess it doesn’t matter how we learn these silly things we learn. How we interpret the world and the things people say to us and around us, and use these interpretations to cage ourselves. What matters is that we find a way to step away from the self-defeating lies we’ve learned as truths, and step towards truths that are more accepting, gentle, and loving…and true.

Along my path I’ve found people to love me when I couldn’t love myself, and more importantly I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve learned to call out the lies in my head (and my life). I’ve learned to laugh at myself and with myself. I’ve learned to say nice things to myself (like “you’re spectacular”) and to soothe myself when I’m afraid. Or when I could really just use a hug.

I’ve learned to be human – and to like being human.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Categories: Recovery, , , , Tags:

I am a junkie

I realized I am a junkie. I am a junkie for feeling good.

I love to feel love. I love to have fun. I love to delight in the people and life around me. I love to delight in just about anything. I love the feeling of appreciation and awe and ease, and that warm glow that envelops me at times.

I love it. I want it. I crave it. I am a junkie for feeling good.

I don’t always feel good. I’m learning more and more that that’s okay. Just today my daughter shared with me a quote she found on Tumblr. It starts, “The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden…It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy.” I guess she’s been aware of my not always feeling good ☺, and she’s been aware of my struggle with struggling. I’m learning to let all of that be okay.

But I, maybe like everyone else, would rather feel good. I’d rather feel all the warm, glowing emotions that so often swathe me in love and joy, and soothe me like nothing – and no one – else can.

I guess my love of love can be seen as an addiction. I see it as an addiction worth having.

If I’d rather feel love – really, really rather feel love – then I’m more likely to find a reason to feel love. If I’d rather feel love I’m more likely to love those around me – and let their annoying habits be as unimportant as they really are. Again, would I rather be right or happy? If I’d rather feel love, I’m more likely to pick happy.

I find myself arguing stupid details with my son. Not worth it. Who cares what is actually true in this instance? I find myself complaining to my husband about little things he (or someone else) does. Not worth it. These details are trivial. Really. I find myself feeling down because something is not how I want it. It’s not happening quick enough. Or easily enough. Or consistently enough. I question myself. I doubt myself. I lambast myself.

I stop. It’s not worth it.

Life is too short to sweat the stuff that doesn’t really matter. Life is too short to look at what I haven’t accomplished or gotten through, versus how far I’ve come. Life is too short to beat myself up for being a burden because I’m having a tough day. Or to beat myself up for having a tough day.

Life is too short and I’m too addicted to feeling good – to being happy, to choosing and expressing love and appreciation and joy.

I think I’m a junkie. I think it’s actually okay.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Categories: Resilience, , , , Tags:

Have a nice day!

I haven’t heard anyone say this recently. At least I don’t think I have. It’s the stereotypical banal American greeting or end of a conversation. “Have a nice day!” shop owners used to say, as you left their store. Not that they really cared. It was just what you said. Like when you run into someone and say “Hi! How are you?” and don’t listen to their answer. A social nicety.

I haven’t heard it and I don’t miss it. But when you stop and think about it, as I did this morning, it is a nice wish, if it’s sincere.

I’d like to have a nice day. In fact, I’d like to have a very nice day. I’d like to have a very nice day every day.

I try and remember to tell my kids to have fun each day when I say goodbye to them. (Well, only to my son. My daughter I don’t get to talk to every day.) I try to remember to have fun each day myself. To give myself a nice day.

Earlier today I was feeling overwhelmed. Too much to do and not enough time to do it. Too many emails to respond to, proposals to get out (which is a great problem to have), and calls to make. Too much to accomplish for work and for home – I was juggling both, right or wrong.

I stopped for a few moments to breathe and meditate, and realized I wasn’t having a very nice day. I was rushing too much, or at least feeling too stressed. I also realized that I could have a nice day, if I decided to.

So I changed my outlook. I still got done what I needed to get done, and I also managed my expectations for what really needed to get done. I worked in a few minutes of tasks that I wanted to get done. That I would enjoy. I looked out the window at the trees for a few seconds, made myself a cup of tea that I love, and decided to have a nice day. I appreciated the work I get to do that I love to do, the family I love, the friends I’m graced with, the ease with which I can approach things. I paused.

I decided to have a nice day. I’m having a nice day. It’s very, very nice.

I hope you’re having a nice day too!

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

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