Monthly Archives: March 2015

There is no enough for you

That’s what my daughter said to me. “There is no enough for you.”

She was home for spring break and we were spending another hour in the tiny pool at the gym, aqua jogging. She is injured and can’t run right now, so to stay in shape for her track season, she’s aqua jogging. I was aqua jogging right next to her. (Well to be honest, and you’ll probably appreciate the visual, I was aqua jogging right next to her being held up by a light green swim noodle. I don’t really swim and I definitely don’t aqua jog. I’m too solid and can’t tread water. I sink.)

As we “jogged” back and forth across the mini-pool, we passed the time lost in our own thoughts, or talking about anything and everything. At this point we were discussing my need to love her. And her brother. And anyone and everyone who matters to me. My desire and capacity to love.

“There is no enough for you,” she said.

That’s probably true. I do love to love and to be with the people I love. I like to take care of my kids, and to spoil them at times. I like to snuggle. (Ask them. I really like to snuggle.) When my daughter came home for winter break after her first trimester of college, I apparently touched her nonstop. I kept “petting” her, she said. I guess I needed the physical reassurance that she was home, and, in general, I crave physical contact and expressions of love. This time when she was home I simply cleared my calendar as much as possible, and spent as much time with her as she’d let me.

There is no enough for me. I like to stay close to friends from high school. And college. And my semester in Scotland during college. And after college. It’s not that I’m a bottomless pit. It’s just that more always seems better. There’s always room for more.

And I’ll admit it, I like to get a lot of love too. Those who live with me will certainly validate that confession. Ask my husband, my kids. I’m always up for one more hug, one more term of endearment, one more chance to hear how much I matter to them (and share how much they matter to me).

In My Humble Opinion, life is too short not to tell the people you love that you love them. Often. It’s too short not to make time for one more quick cuddle. Often. It’s too short not to snuggle up with my son on the couch, watching Dr. Who, and soaking him up. Often. Not to aqua jog with my daughter, as much as I hate to since I can’t swim, maybe not often, but whenever she wants company. Not to express my love for life…and for my husband and kids and extended family and friends (old and new) and everyone and everything that touches my life and makes it sweeter.

There is no enough for me. I’m good with that.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Categories: Hope and Amazement, , , , Tags:

My heart is pounding…

The coolest thing happened.

Out of nowhere I got an email off of my blog from someone I don’t know…who grew up in the Church as well. She was actually raised at Jacob House, the Church nursery where my mom worked for years.

She arrived at Jacob House about a year after my last time there, so our paths never crossed. Besides, she would have been five to my eighteen – so even if we had crossed, she probably wouldn’t remember me. But still…

But still I think I’ve found someone who really, really, really understands me. Whose thoughts echo my thoughts. Whose words echo my words. Who gets how I feel about the Church – that it wasn’t all good but it wasn’t all bad. Who knows there are positive things she learned in the Church…as well as those things neither of us fully understand and we both wish had never happened.

I haven’t talked with her in depth yet, and I can’t wait to. In many ways I think I’m putting off a full conversation because I’m enjoying savoring the fact that it will happen. For years I’ve wanted to connect with someone who knows what I mean when I talk about the Church. Who gets it as someone who’s never experienced it never can.

Many people love me and try to understand it. But they don’t. Not fully. Someone who’s been there does and will.

She’ll know what it’s like to have known the Messiah. And left the Messiah. Perhaps she felt the guilt and shame I felt. I hope not. But I think she’ll understand my guilt and shame.

Like when I walked into Al-Anon and people got me. They understood my feelings and experiences as others “on the outside” didn’t. I felt heard. And seen.

I want to offer this same understanding and validation to her. To walk with someone who’s walked where I’ve walked. To share the healing and love I’ve come to know – and learn from any healing and love she’s found along the way.

As my daughter said, “Now no matter what happens, writing the blog has been worth it simply because you found this person. Or she found you.”

It’s true. It’s the coolest thing.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Categories: My Story, , Tags:

I want to be there now!

Many years ago, when my daughter (who is now at least six inches taller than me) was little, she had a problem with long car rides. “How much longer?” she’d always ask. The answer was never satisfying. “I want to be there now!” she’d cry. “Daddy, stop the car! I want to be there now!”

No matter how we tried to explain that we couldn’t be there before we got there, she would remain upset. “I don’t want it to take any longer,” she’d tell us. “I want to be there now!”

As I remember those moments – now that she’s often the one who’s driving – I smile. And I realize that many of us go through life with the same attitude. At least I do. I want what I want, and I want it now!

I forget that life is a journey. I forget that I’m on a path. And when I don’t see results – when I don’t actively see what I’m waiting for getting closer, if not materializing – I’m like my daughter in her booster seat all those years ago. “I want to be there now!” I cry.

I’m smart enough to realize that results usually aren’t instantaneous, so I’m willing to hold on a bit. Finding an agent for my book and taking the next step towards getting it published, for example, has been years in the making. Years and years and years. And at times I’m a smidgen patient. But there’s also a part of me stamping my foot and demanding that the car stop and I be let out…at my desired destination…now. I don’t need immediate results, I declare. I’m mature enough to wait a while. But I’ve waited, surely, long enough. Certainly, unquestionably, I’ve paid my dues, put in my time, and taken the appropriate steps. And now I want to be there now.

When I can remember that life is a process, when I can believe I’m on a path and all I need to do is take the next step in front of me and have faith that I’m moving in the right direction (or check my inner GPS and change direction), I’m less frustrated. When I can remember that life is about the journey more than the destination, and that when I get to my end point I’ll only come up with another end point to aim for, I have more hope and ease and joy in the moment.

But, at times, I still want to be there now.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Categories: My Story, , , Tags: