I tell myself very silly things. Sometimes subconsciously. Sometimes unconsciously. Sometimes, I hate to admit, while I’m completely aware of what I’m doing.
Really very silly things.
In my worst moments, when I get stuck in the grooves in my brain and come to my foregone conclusion that I’m not loved, or lovable, there is a split second where something in my mind agrees with this. But it is a very silly lie. Luckily I have the awareness and skill now to call that lie out, but what a silly thing to say to myself or to believe. Quite misinformed in fact.
I can still hear myself chide myself at times, for not getting something done or not getting it done right. Or sooner. That’s a silly lie as well. I can still catch myself pushing myself too hard, or questioning my opinion or my emotions, or getting upset with myself for “letting something get to me” and getting mad. Or sad.
All silly lies.
I’ve learned that my emotions happen…and it’s what I do with them that matters. Someone may do something and I may get hurt, but do I stay with the hurt? Do I lash out back at them? Or at myself? It’s a silly lie to tell myself I shouldn’t be hurt in the first place. It’s also a silly lie to tell myself that I should be “over” something, or better than I am at something.
In fact, pretty much anytime a sentence starts with “should”, chances are that it’s a silly lie. I should have known better. I should have done better. I should have been better.
There’s a time and a place for improving, and looking back at how we’ve reacted and choosing to go forward differently. But “shoulda, coulda, woulda” hasn’t helped me yet.
They’re all silly lies. And silly too-high expectations I hold myself, and others, to. And silly misinterpretations of the present based on misunderstandings of the past. Just because, in some ways, my childhood was tough doesn’t mean my today has to be tough. Or that I have to be tough. At least not tougher than I want to be, or that’s fun to be.
They’re all silly lies. I’m choosing to laugh at them even more and let them go.
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