I’ve decided to stop it. I’ve decided to (do my best to) stop trying to convince others, or explain myself to others. To stop telling my stories so they’ll understand, and understand me better. To stop needing them to get me.
Because what’s the big deal anyway, if they don’t get me? What’s the big deal if people, even the people I love and am closest to, don’t ever fully comprehend me? If they look at me and think, “I just don’t get it.” or “I just don’t get her.” If I seem somehow unfathomable?
It’s been exhausting trying to explain. It’s been exhausting thinking that I had to justify, to make sense.
I love people who, at least sometimes, seem unfathomable to me. I look at them and think, “Why do they do that?” and “I’d never see it that way.” But I don’t let their foreignness (to me) get in the way. So why do I think I have to make sense to all of them?
Besides, I’ve found that explaining myself, and needing anyone – especially some people – to get me only leads me to defending my position and my thoughts in ways that can keep me stuck in my position and my thoughts. And usually, or at least often, the things I’m trying to explain are thoughts and reasons I’m trying to get away from. That I no longer need.
I put into words – a lot of words – my seemingly over-reaction to something simple. “Well, this happened and this happened and this happened to me,” I say, as if to enlighten. You know what, I’d rather forget this and this and this and just move on, over-reaction and all.
When I no longer need others to get me, I let myself be a bit more. I let my emotions and responses and thought patterns just be okay.
And that’s a hell of a lot easier.
So I’ve decided that it’s okay if you don’t get me. Or I don’t get you. I get myself and you get yourself, and that can be enough.
I’ve decided to stop.
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