Maybe it will never go away

I’ve come to realize that my waves of shame may never go away. They can be related to nothing, and they can hit me out of nowhere. I can be walking down the street, enjoying the day, and BAM! get nearly knocked over with a sense of how wrong and unworthy and vile I am.

That may never go away. It may, but it may not, and that’s okay.

It’s okay because I know that that groundswell of shame is a lie. It’s a lie I’ve absorbed based on lies I was told and lies I made up to explain all that happened. But it’s a lie.

It’s okay because I’ve learned how to breathe through it. I’ve learned how to watch it happening to me, while it happens to me – like an impartial observer. I’ve learned to separate myself from it, even as it feels like not just a part of me but all of me.

I’ve learned that the shame swells up, and then it recedes. If I can wait it out – when I wait it out – it lessens.

I’ve learned to say to myself, “Oh, there it is. Damn it feels bad. It will go away. Just breathe.”

I check in on reality – I’m not vile; I am loved; I am lovable; at this very minute I’m not in danger; I’m not doing anything wrong; everything is okay – and then my heartbeat slows down, my breath becomes more steady, and the sun shines again.

It would be wonderful if I never had an inexplicable, out-of-nowhere wave of shame again. It would be wonderful if I never had a wave of shame at all. It would be wonderful, and it may or may not happen. And for today, I’m okay with that.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

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2 thoughts on “Maybe it will never go away

  1. Thank you for writing this, Lisa. Like you, I’m sure, I have certain memories of things I’ve done I’m ashamed of. Those shameful memories can be so cruel and of course I can’t travel back and undo what I did and say to the person, “I’m so sorry, forgive me.” Wish I could, but as you say, time passes, those awful images disappear for a while.

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