I did it again. The good news is that I won’t beat up on myself for it.
I’ve been thinking and rethinking about a decision I made about a relationship, and how to handle it. I’ve been trying to figure out if my stance is too rigid or strong, if there’s room for me to safely do things differently, if I’ll regret my decision in the long run. As I ran with a friend, I asked her for her thoughts.
Her first response took me by surprise. “I think you’re doing your perfect thing again,” she said. “I think you’re trying to handle this perfectly.”
Damn if she wasn’t right, and damn if I had no idea I was doing that. But I was. I am.
The good news is I’m not beating up on myself for it. I’m somewhat astounded by it, and laughing at it, but I’m not beating up on myself for it. I guess my default can be so quickly and completely towards perfectionism that I can be oblivious to it.
The good news is that I heard somewhere recently “Stop beating up on yourself for anything,” and I’m taking that to heart. Imagine a world where I didn’t beat up on myself, consciously or unconsciously. Imagine that world.
I do know – I have learned – that beating up on myself accomplishes nothing. It may be an old habit, and it may die hard, but it accomplishes nothing. It’s demotivating and demoralizing. It reminds me of how bad I am (not true) and how poorly I’m doing (not true again). Bottom line it’s not true.
It’s not true, and it saps love and light from my life and my day.
I’m not beating up on myself for anything anymore, and when I slip at that, I’m not beating up on myself for slipping.
It astounded me when my friend pointed it out. Once again, I was blind to my engrained norm. But as I say, “Ah well,” and “Oops.” I haven’t figured out yet how to handle that relationship, but I’m allowing myself to not know for now, and to be okay with that. To realize there is no “perfect” answer. There is no test to pass or “A-WD” to earn.
Stop beating up on yourself for anything.
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