Someone I know is letting me down.
They’re not acting how I want them to act. They’re not doing what I want them to do. They’re not being how I want them to be.
And I’m pissed.
I’ve learned that “expectations are premeditated resentments.” If I expect you to be a certain way, I’m setting myself up to resent you when you’re not that way.
Even if it’s the “right” and “best” way to be. Even if it’s what I’d do if I were them.
Is it okay to expect someone to do what you’d do? To act like you’d act? To be like you’d be?
I’ve decided, for now, that it’s okay to expect it, but that by expecting it, I’m potentially setting myself up to be disappointed. And resentful. And even hurt.
So maybe it’s okay to expect it, or to at least want it. But I’ve learned to be realistic. If this person hasn’t acted like I would act in a certain situation before, what would make me think they’d do that now? No matter how much I want them to? Nothing really. Not if I’m realistic.
So probably best is to admit that I want it but not to expect it. I can wish for this person to be the way I want them to be – to be the way I’d be – and then find a way to be happy with whatever I get or go somewhere else for what I really want and need. “Don’t go to a hardware store for oranges,” I also learned long, long ago.
Expecting someone to be anything is setting myself up to be let down. And honestly, I’ve been let down enough.
It’s a fine line, I think. I’ve had to work hard to be okay with wanting what I want. I’ve had to work hard at realizing I’m allowed to have wants and needs. And I’ve had to work hard to learn that just because I want it doesn’t always mean that others can and will give it to me, and that I therefore have to find it for myself.
Bottom line, I think it’s okay to have standards and things I want, and I think I’m most okay when I don’t need anyone to hit any marks and act in any specific ways. When I just let them be, and I just be.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
I like that, Lisa! — “expectations are premeditated resentments.”
I have that problem.
Thanks for your insight as always.
And thank you! 🙂