Monthly Archives: December 2017

Thinking I’m getting good at meditating isn’t getting good at meditating

I was meditating the other day, listening to the chanting sound playing on my Insight Timer app, and I realized I was not thinking anything. I was not lost in thought.

“Wow,” I then thought, “I’m getting really good at meditating.”

I guess I’m not. I guess thinking I’m getting really good at meditating is my mind getting lost in thought, even if it’s thought about meditating. I guess noticing that I’m not thinking anything is still thinking something, even if it’s thinking about not thinking anything.

I am meditating more steadily, pretty much every day. It feels good to quiet my mind. It feels good to sit and notice and feel and not think…too much. My mind is so often going, going, going. I think fast; I talk fast; I move fast. My mind is fast, and slowing it down once a day is probably really good for me.

I attended a Mindfulness conference a few weeks ago, and someone shared that it takes only eight minutes a day of meditation and quiet for our brains to reap the benefits. I feel the benefits (at least I think I do). I feel calmer more often, and able to calm down more often and easily. I still have my irrational thoughts and fears, but I feel like I’m more able to call them out as irrational thoughts and fears. And to breathe through them more easily.

I must be getting good at mediating. ☺

See how funny it is, how easy it is to think it’s something that we’re supposed to get good at? To think that it’s a state of enlightenment we’re supposed to achieve?

I think that thinking I’m getting good at meditating while I’m meditating is down right funny. And maybe that’s the enlightenment I’m trying to achieve.

I must be getting good at meditating. ☺

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

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I love you most

That’s what I say to both my kids, “I love you most.”

My youngest will sometimes ask, “Does that mean you love me more?” I always answer, “No. It means I love you most. I love you both most.”

As I’ve probably written before, I was, in at least some ways, afraid to have kids. I was afraid that I wouldn’t know how to parent them. My husband was afraid that I would leave them. Neither one of us thought I would know what I was doing.

I still may not know what I’m doing, but I know I love my kids, and I know my kids know that I love my kids. That is, to me, in many ways enough. My goal was that they would know that they were loved, and therefore, hopefully, at least some or even most of the time, know that they were lovable. Just because. Just because they’re them.

It’s something I didn’t know. It’s a foundation I didn’t have. I had one parent who never really said anything nice and loving, who, in fact, usually just teased and made fun of me – and of anything nice and loving – but who showed up when I needed someone. When we could no longer live with my grandfather. When I was sick or anorexic. And I had one parent who always said really nice and loving things, but who didn’t show up.

I didn’t know I was loved, and I certainly didn’t know I was lovable. In fact, I was pretty certain I wasn’t lovable.

Loving my kids has been a hoot.

It’s a hoot how easy it is to love them. It’s a hoot how easy it is parent them – even if I don’t always do it “best” or “right.” (As if there’s a “best” or “right.”) It’s a hoot how easy it is to never leave them, to always show up for them, to say a lot of nice and loving things.

It’s a hoot how easy it is to give them so many of the things I wish I’d gotten, and it’s a hoot how giving it to them has given it to me. At least one of my kids would probably say (definitely say) I give too much and say it too much and am totally annoying.

I always say, “I love you most,” in return.

I love loving my kids most. As most as I can. For today, because probably and hopefully tomorrow will be even more.

I love them most.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

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