I amaze myself

There. I said it. It’s not only weird and amazing that I can feel it and admit it to myself, it’s outrageous that I just said that out loud. To, I hope, a lot of people.

I am blessed to be in Colorado skiing. It is beyond beautiful. It is beyond breathtaking. It is beyond mind-blowingly gorgeous.

But what astounds me more is what I’m doing and how I’m doing it.

And that I’m confessing to it here.

Yesterday I willingly chose to ski a black diamond. (For those of you who don’t know, a black diamond slope is the almost hardest slope to ski – there are double black diamonds – and a black diamond out West is harder than one on the East coast. The mountains are higher and harder here.) Not only that, but I also picked mogul runs (hard runs with hard bumps on them) again and again.

And I had fun.

Now, let me explain my relationship with skiing to you. My first time on skis, the ski patrol followed me down the mountain and asked me if I wanted a ride on their snowmobiles. I had fallen so many times, I didn’t have the strength to get back up. Or to not fall again. And the mountain was closing as it was getting dark.

It was tempting – a ride on a snowmobile would probably have been fun, and I was so, so, so exhausted – but I was too stubborn. No way I would let someone help me.

My first time on skis, I knocked my ski instructor over as we got off the chair lift. “Lisa,” he said to me, “I haven’t fallen getting off the chair lift in ten years.”

Over the years, I’ve skied more and more with my family. And I’ve come to at least somewhat enjoy it – as long as I go slow on easy runs. But my relationship with skiing is tenuous to say the least.

Now, let me explain my relationship with trying new things to you. I suck at it. (Or at least I used to.) My perfectionism would always kick in, and I’d hate myself – and lambaste myself – for not being able to do whatever it was that I was learning. Even though I was learning. I gave myself no room for error, for not being able to, for acquiring a skill that I’d never had before.

So, I’d ski and suffer, because I couldn’t ski well. And I certainly wouldn’t try a black diamond, or a mogul run, and not be able to do it. In front of other people. And fall? No way. It was not okay for me to fall.

How do you learn if you don’t fall?

So yesterday I amazed myself. I amazed myself that I willingly skied black diamonds and mogul runs. That I looked for more black diamond and mogul runs to try. I amazed myself that I actually skied the runs at least somewhat well. My butt never hit the ground.

I amazed myself that I let myself do something that I could possibly fail at. Or suck at. I guess all my years of preaching to clients about failing forward and allowing ourselves room to try new things and mess up along the way are perhaps sinking into my own brain.

And I’m amazing myself that I’m admitting to all of you that I skied the runs well, and that I amazed myself.

I guess I’ve changed. And am constantly changing and growing.

That’s really cool.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

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4 thoughts on “I amaze myself

  1. I love it! Embracing your own awesome – with the proper level of humility – leads to being even more awesome.

  2. Perfectionism sucks! Many people think it’s great having high standards for yourself (and others) and being orderly etc. But perfectionism can have a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves, others, what we attempt to do, and more often on what we do NOT attempt to do, because we are afraid to be perceived as a failure, not good enough, or to think that we will never quite get there. This blog is a great testimony on ‘how to overcome’ perfectionism – trying – and going with the process. I’ll try to remind myself of that next time my perfectionism creeps up on me! Thank you for being so brave and for sharing this.

    1. Thank you Julia! I SO agree. It sucks. It gets a good rap, but that’s wrong. My trying harder may have helped me get where I am today, but my perfectionism only gets in my way (and hurts my heart and soul) now. Thank you!

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