The other day a dear friend asked me what I did when I was upset at something, or someone. When my anger or sadness was taking over every minute. How did I handle it to stay calm and okay?
I paused before answering. (Did I mention we were running, and I always have to pause to get enough breath to answer?) βI look at whatβs good,β I told her.
βOh,β she replied. βDo you mean you look to see all you have, and how many awful things could be true for you that arenβt, and you realize you should be grateful rather than upset?β
βNo,β I answered (again after trying to catch my breath). βI look for things that feel good right now. I distract myself like I would a toddler.β Another pause.
βI notice the trees against the sky.β (As Iβve written here often.) βThe sound of seagulls.β (I was just in Portland, Maine.) βI hug my kid.β (Or anyone who will let me.)
I distract myself.
I no longer believe in covering up or denying my feelings, and I certainly no longer believe in beating myself up because Iβm sad or angry or struggling. Iβve learned to allow those feelings to be β and to be part of me. (The anger was the hardest one to accept. I had learned real well not to get angry.)
But Iβve also learned that βIβm more than my feelings,β and βFeelings, not facts.β Iβve learned that I donβt have to stay in my anger or hurt or pain any longer than I want to. And Iβve learned that the best way to lighten my load is to lighten my load. π To look for situations or experiences or sensations that will ease my heart or relax my body.
To distract myself.
Iβve learned that if I look up β literally and metaphorically β I can usually find something to smile about. Iβve learned (and I teach) that when I smile, my brain somehow thinks Iβm happy. I wouldnβt be smiling if I wasnβt happy β Iβm not that crazy β so I must be happy. I use this to my greatest advantage.
Itβs not that I have no right to complain because other people have it worse than me. My pain still hurts. Itβs not that I shouldnβt feel pain, and I need to shut it down right away. Sometimes feeling β and leaning into β my pain and suffering is what I really need. Itβs not that I need to be stronger, or better, or more resilient. I am (quite) strong enough, good enough, and resilient enough. And sometimes things just hurt. Or suck.
But I can lift myself out of my pain and suffering when Iβm ready to be lifted out of my pain and suffering. And sometimes itβs as easy as just distracting myself.
Photo by Nathan DumlaoΒ on Unsplash
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
For some strange reason, stressful and traumatic events bring out the poet in me. My most poignant verses were written during periods of extreme stress. I usually feel much better after writing a poem. Thanks for sharing. π
And thank you! That is a beautiful thought of how poetry can ease and heal us.
Yes! Easily at hand, and easy to forget!
Thank you Debbie! I keep, keep, keep trying to remember π