That’s the thought that came to me this week, “what influence am I under?”
Am I looking for the good, as I’ve taught myself to do. Am I appreciating? Am I allowing? Am I basking and enjoying and noticing what’s working? Am I at ease?
Or am I worried? Am I choosing to see what’s “broken”? Am I judging myself?
Unfortunately, I’ve been at least a bit more of the second these past few weeks.
I can’t lie. The launch of the book has been an intense experience. I find myself consumed with fear that it hasn’t gone far enough and won’t reach enough people. I find myself worried that it won’t do whatever it is I determined it needs to do. I know I wrote this – and am promoting it – because I want to spread a message of hope and love. What I’ve forgotten is that I can’t force that to happen. I can only do what I can do and trust the rest. I can only remember to be gentle with myself and let go. I can only remember (and ask other people to remind me when I forget to remember) that whatever it is it is…and it’s okay. And that so so so much of it is out of my control. (Okay, I can go into the B&N stores near me and arrange the book so that the cover faces out and people can SEE it, and I can – slightly jokingly – ask everyone else to do that as well…or to put it out on a “new paperback” table…but basically, it’s out of my control.)
I know I’ve learned these learnings before. I know I know them. And I certainly know that I feel better when I remember them.
I certainly know that beating myself up for forgetting them, for getting caught up in the craziness, for forgetting that all that really matters is joy and love and beauty and connecting with other people…and that the book will be what it will be – I know that none of this helps me. And none of this makes the book sell more or do more anyway.
So, for one more time, I am going to remind myself that all is well. I’ve clearly gone through harder hardships before, and I’ve clearly weathered greater anxiety and fear. I can let this go. I can choose love. I can choose to be under the influence of ease and peace and joy.
I can breathe. I can allow. I can flow. I can smile. I can relax. I can connect. I can bask. I can love.
(And then I can go move around the books in the B&N stores.)
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!