I don’t know if it’s the time of year – I do have 28 people at my house tomorrow – or if it’s got nothing to do with anything. I have been feeling tense. That old anxious feeling, for no particular reason (again, unless it’s the 28 people coming to my house).

I feel it rise up in me. Tightness. Apprehension. Pressure. I take a deep breath and exhale. My kid asks me if I’m okay, since I’m taking deep breaths and exhaling. I tell him I am…and then I take a deep breath and exhale again.

It could be the 28 people we’re hosting tomorrow. It could be the pressure (is it all from me?) to make the book “be something” – whatever the hell that means. It could be the emotions and epiphanies and realizations that the book, the book tour, the intense conversations I’ve had that I never expected to have, the connecting and re-connecting with friends and family and formers (former members) and Second Gens (kids born and/or raised in the Church) have kicked up in me. It could be all of that and more.

How can I soothe myself right now (besides deep breaths and exhales)? What do I need?

I still haven’t fully stopped and taken in all that has happened in the last few months. I still haven’t fully comprehended what I did. As I said, through tears, to a friend a few weeks ago, “I published a book about the Church.” I need to let that sink in. I need to own and whole some more.

What do I need to soothe myself? What will let me be in more ease? What will let where I am be okay? Let me be okay? Let me know that I am okay? I can relax. I can breathe. I can look for things that bring me joy. I can delight in the people I love – those I live with and those far away. I can have a cup of tea. A hug. A wonderful memory. A good laugh.

These are the types of things I’ve learned to do. These are the types of things I remind myself of, over and over again if necessary. These are the types of things I offer to my coaching clients. These are the types of things I now know (or know to remember when I forget them).

Where I am right now is fine. How the book is doing is fine. How the book does is fine. I know that when I fight and push, things get harder. I know that that which I resist, persists. I know that slow and calm and love is what I know and what I believe and where I want to come from. I know that there are many memories, ideas, actions, and people who can and will soothe me and bring me joy.

It is a time of joy for many people. It is a time for family for many people. It can be a time of relaxing and accepting and allowing for me.

Happy, happy holidays – whatever that means to you. Find what soothes you and enjoy.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

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