I don’t know if it’s the time of year – I do have 28 people at my house tomorrow – or if it’s got nothing to do with anything. I have been feeling tense. That old anxious feeling, for no particular reason (again, unless it’s the 28 people coming to my house).
I feel it rise up in me. Tightness. Apprehension. Pressure. I take a deep breath and exhale. My kid asks me if I’m okay, since I’m taking deep breaths and exhaling. I tell him I am…and then I take a deep breath and exhale again.
It could be the 28 people we’re hosting tomorrow. It could be the pressure (is it all from me?) to make the book “be something” – whatever the hell that means. It could be the emotions and epiphanies and realizations that the book, the book tour, the intense conversations I’ve had that I never expected to have, the connecting and re-connecting with friends and family and formers (former members) and Second Gens (kids born and/or raised in the Church) have kicked up in me. It could be all of that and more.
How can I soothe myself right now (besides deep breaths and exhales)? What do I need?
I still haven’t fully stopped and taken in all that has happened in the last few months. I still haven’t fully comprehended what I did. As I said, through tears, to a friend a few weeks ago, “I published a book about the Church.” I need to let that sink in. I need to own and whole some more.
What do I need to soothe myself? What will let me be in more ease? What will let where I am be okay? Let me be okay? Let me know that I am okay? I can relax. I can breathe. I can look for things that bring me joy. I can delight in the people I love – those I live with and those far away. I can have a cup of tea. A hug. A wonderful memory. A good laugh.
These are the types of things I’ve learned to do. These are the types of things I remind myself of, over and over again if necessary. These are the types of things I offer to my coaching clients. These are the types of things I now know (or know to remember when I forget them).
Where I am right now is fine. How the book is doing is fine. How the book does is fine. I know that when I fight and push, things get harder. I know that that which I resist, persists. I know that slow and calm and love is what I know and what I believe and where I want to come from. I know that there are many memories, ideas, actions, and people who can and will soothe me and bring me joy.
It is a time of joy for many people. It is a time for family for many people. It can be a time of relaxing and accepting and allowing for me.
Happy, happy holidays – whatever that means to you. Find what soothes you and enjoy.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!