I’m in the midst of my month of readings, interviews, and presentations. I’m out here for a reason, doing my best to spread of a message of hope and love (and a message that extremist groups exist and are outrageously intoxicating and dangerous – best drug you’ll ever do).
Yes, I absolutely planned more for myself to do this month than is reasonable. And yes, I’m doing my best to give up my (false) need for control and to just go with the flow.
Last week I was in Glasgow, again as part of a workshop on extremist groups and relationships. As always, it was deeply powerful to go back to my (somehow) other “home” and to learn and share more about the effect that extremist beliefs have on any and all of us.
This morning I read from to the moon and back at a temple in Queens. What my high school friend, who planned the event, had failed to tell me was that the temple rented out space to a Korean church. Not that she should have known to tell me, but I was unprepared to be surrounded (and triggered) by Korean bibles, Korean writing, Korean language. As someone pointed out to me, the universe seems to be having fun with me and my book events.
I have three more readings this week (#comeseeme) and two TV interviews. Plus work. Plus family. Plus life. My older kid has chastised me a bit for my (lack of) planning.
Which brings me back to giving up trying to control anything.
I intentionally have not said, “giving up control of everything,” because (guess what?) I kinda realize I don’t really have control of everything. Or anything. Well, anything except my own thoughts (if I can catch them quickly enough) and behaviors (again, if I can catch them quickly enough).
I think my blog post titled, “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems” is my most popular blog post. Ever. Spoiler alert (in case you don’t know this already), it’s not my line. It’s from page 449 (or at least it used to be page 449) of the AA Big Book.
It’s not my line, but it saves me every time I remember it. And every time I remind a client of it. (I love to quote the Big Book to clients. Now that to the moon and back is out, I can easily reference program and my recovery.)
I was asked today during the reading Q&A about my “scars” from my childhood and my healing process. One of my deepest “scars” is my (extremely) false belief that I not only have to but also can control everything. Or at least almost everything. I slip into this so easily and so unknowingly. So unknowingly that I often think I’m being evolved and mature, when I am, in reality, falling into my perfectionism and controlling. And so easily and so well, that you may not even realize that I’ve met your needs, soothed your feelings, and solved your problems. You may not even realize you had needs, feelings, and problems.
That’s how (falsely) good I am at this. That’s how carved into my mind and soul these behaviors are. That’s how slippery my “disease” can be.
So today, once again, I’m giving up trying to control anything. And then I’m giving it up again. And again.
It is so freeing. And freedom, and joy, and love are what it’s all about.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!