Over six years ago I had a bout of insomnia that knocked me to my knees. Actually, that felled me to my face. I don’t need to go into details, but I was hurting. And I was hurting for a long time.
Long story short, I’m facing some of that again. Not nearly, not ever, not even close to what it was six years ago, but enough to give me some hard days and tough moments.
I know my situation pales compared to so many people who are dealing with so much hardship right now. And when I’m not steady-enough in my sleep, I lose my ability to think rationally and to see that. I lose my stability. I lose my self. I lose my view of all that’s right and beautiful – or at least I have to work a lot harder to maintain that view. When my brain is hurting, it’s hard to focus it where I need and want to focus it…to maintain that view.
Which leaves me with pretty much, for me, one option. To do my best to accept that this is where I am and to wrap myself in love.
My aching brain will slip into judging – lambasting myself for somehow being in this situation again, for not being “over it,” and for having a hard time when so many people have it so much worse.
This is what we call, “stinking thinking.” Or, as a Unification Church Second Gen told me that her therapist tells her, “that’s the cult talking.”
Which, again, leaves me with pretty much only one option. To do my best to accept that this is where I am – because acceptance still is and perhaps will always be the answer to all my problems – and to wrap myself in love – because love is what I need right now.
I learned (very well) to judge myself. I learned (very well) to blame myself and to be uber-responsible. I learned (very well) to not cut myself a break.
Again, “that’s the cult talking.” I don’t have to do those things any more. Even when my brain is muddled.
I know I’m okay. I know this will pass. I know I’ll find a way through. Even when I have to work a little bit harder to know these things – or to ask for help from the people who know and love me – I can find these knowings. Or I can curl up on the couch with a cup of tea and cut myself a break and try again in a little bit. Or tomorrow.
I know it’s not my fault, and I know it’s hard. And I deserve – and can give myself – a hug and a ton of compassion, self-care, and love.
I can – and will – soothe and ease my heart. I will wrap myself in love.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!