Again, it was a yoga practice. Thank the universe for my yoga practice. It always brings me home to me.
I don’t remember what the instructor said (over Zoom – thank the universe for Zoom!), but what I heard was Be. Right Here. Right Now.
I so need to remember that. And to remember that again.
I’ve worked hard to heal, let go of, and purge the carvings in my brain that hurt me. That judge me. That scar me further. I’ve worked hard to ease out of the fear and anxiety. To remind myself, over and over again if necessary, that of course I have fear and anxiety, but that I am not my fear and anxiety. I am safe. I am whole. I am wholed.
I’ve recently realized that – what do you know – I can try to do that healing and wholing process perfectly, which can lead me to, as quickly as possible, pushing away the fear and anxiety and moving past the anger and frustration. I can, as quickly as possible, jump right to positivity and reframing.
I’m all for positivity and reframing. I have taught my brain to rewire and to see joy instead of fear. I know that is my healing and wholing process. I know that is my path to ease and to knowing and owning my self, my power, and my spectacular-ness.
But I’ve also realized that I can jump too quickly away from my “negative” feelings. I was taught that negative feelings were sinful and Satanic. I was taught to never get angry and to never ask for anything. Again, when you’re asked to tell your mother to leave you and you’re told, over and over again, how wonderful and lucky you are to live without her, you learn to never be angry and to never ask for anything. I was taught that my fear was misconceived and that I should ignore it. That I all the screaming in my psyche that I was not safe was not to believed. That I was not to trust myself. When you’re taught that any question in your mind – or any time you think for yourself – Is Satan trying to steal you away from God, you learn to ignore your fear and to not trust your own senses and instincts.
The reality is that all feelings are valid. All feelings are good. They’re there for a reason. They often have something to teach us. If we’re willing to listen.
Or at least to teach me, if I’m willing to listen.
Today during my yoga practice, I remembered this. I remembered that, for now, I need to be with my feelings and to let them be. To practice RAIN. Recognize. Allow. Investigate. Nurture. Just let them be. To acknowledge that and why they’re there. To know that they’re not me. To take care of myself. To know that there’s nothing wrong – and nothing wrong with me – when I’m angry or afraid. It just is. And it may have something to tell me.
Then I can turn my heart and mind and soul to ease and joy.
And then Be. Right Here. Right Now.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!