I know I’ve written before about how I can get caught in needing to figure out what’s “right” and what’s “wrong” so that I can always do what’s right. What I’m realizing now, more and more each moment it seems, is how much I’m addicted to this.
I am now determined to let that addiction go. What an absolute time for self-compassion. Major self-compassion.
Yes, it absolutely makes sense that I need to find the “right” and “wrong” things to do or think or be. It was carved into my psyche. It was literally taught to me in every aspect of my religious indoctrination and “brain-pickling” (I believe my brain was pickled, as – at the age of ten – I didn’t have a full brain to be washed). It saved my life.
But I am ready to be done with it. Or at least a little bit more done with it. I know I have released so much already. I know I have evolved and healed. And yet, I find myself incessantly looking to be told what is “right” and what is “wrong” so that I can…be okay. And not even realizing, at first, that I’m doing that.
Though I am catching it sooner now, I think, when my brain slips into that well-worn groove. I’m not as far down that slippery path to a place that’s beyond recovery before I hear a, “Whoa! Stop!” in my head, quickly followed by, “I love you Lisa. It’s okay. You’re okay. Of course, you do this. It’s okay You’re okay.” with a hand on my heart and a deep, mindful breath.
I keep my hand on my heart, to soothe the terror that surges through me as I contemplate stepping away from doing, thinking, and being what’s “right.” I remind myself that I’m not in danger anymore. That I don’t have to prove anything to anybody. That I was told I would/did break God’s heart when I was “wrong,” but that’s not true. That’s a lie. That’s the cult talking.
I know I’m actually far on this journey, because there are many situations and relationships in which I don’t doubt myself. In which I don’t knowingly or unknowingly search for the right answer so that I can fully embody it. And I know I still have ways to go, because I seem to keep asking my therapist, “Really? Really? Really people just do what they do and be who they be without this endless compulsion to get it right? Without this unconscious/subconscious need to be what GOD (or whomever) needs them to be? Without knowing, for certain, that they’re just wrong and sinful?”
Every time she answers, “Yes. Really.” it astounds me and soothes me. I gently hold it to my heart, mind, and soul and let it seep into the grooves that need to be filled. With love and, again, self-compassion.
I am on my journey. I am moving forward. I am – bit-by-bit, one-day-at-a-time, not-by-myself-but-with-the-help-of-others – letting go of my addiction to right and wrong.
How about you?
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!