This past week was hard. No other way to look at it. Not hard because I can’t believe our Capitol was stormed. Hard because I can’t believe people can’t believe our Capitol was stormed. Hard because I’m pretty sure there was a faction of my former cult there, storming away. And hard because of the ‘non-equivalence with the treatment of the BLM protestors,’ as a dear friend of mine expressed it.
Now is hard.
All the more reason for self-patience and self-compassion, no matter how hard they are as well.
In fact, someone assigned “patience” to me as one of my 2021 intentions. There are things I want to be different. More accurately, there are ways I want to be different. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about (and have worked damn hard on) my self-acceptance. And self-love. And self-compassion. And there are behavior and thought patterns I am eager to move even further away from.
Hence the patience, because I realized I was somehow expecting to be “over” these behaviors and thought patterns within a week. Maybe two.
Yeah, they’re behaviors and “stinking thinking” that saved me during my childhood in a cult. Yeah, they’re decades engrained deeply, deeply in me. Yeah, they’re so deeply engrained that when I’m told that others don’t think and act this way, all I can respond with is, “Really? I mean, really????” So yeah, they’re hard to let go of.
Hence the patience. The need for patience. I’ve admitted to myself (and here) that I’ll be letting go of these behaviors and trying new behaviors and thought patterns messily. And now I’m admitting to myself (and here) that I’ll be trying new behaviors for, perhaps, a long, long time.
With my hand on my heart. With an, “Yes, sweetheart. Of course, you think that. Of course, you did that. That’s okay. I love you.”
I do my best to live in self-love and self-compassion. But not only were these behaviors and “stinking thinking” deeply engrained into my mind and psyche (and not only did they save my life), my mind and psyche were taught that self-love and self-compassion (and self-patience) were weakness. Wrong. Bad. Sinful. Of Satan.
But more and more and more I am convinced that there is nothing more important than self-care, self-love, and self-compassion. Even as the Capitol is stormed. Even as I stay in the fight for social and racial justice. Even as I see how I’m part of the problem and I work hard to also be part of the solution.
Join me in self-patience, self-love, and self-compassion. However it works for you. Tell me how you do it and how it works for you.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!