It’s a song they often play during our yoga practice. It’s a song that sings to my heart.
I feel as if I’ve learned and evolved so much since to the moon and back came out nearly two-and-a-half years ago. This whole process threw me deep into revisiting, re-deciphering, and re-understanding my life before, in, and after my cult. And I can see that – more than anything – my life and my being have always revolved around love.
I try to explain to people how much of a haven the Church was to Robbie and me when we first got there. There was love. So much love. Now I know how tainted and wrong much of it was, but then, it felt so damn good. I went wholeheartedly and whole-soul-ly into that love. It saved me, in some ways.
When we first joined, I realized that I was too young to do anything of real worth for my Messiah and god. So, I decided I would love. I decided that I would give my brothers and sisters as much love and affection as I could, to make their hard lives a bit easier. I became even more about love.
And then the love around me became more and more tainted. But still, even the love that was tainted and off, somehow was also an anchor. Those who were in some ways so harmful were also those who somehow gave me something to hold onto. It was a bit of a mind-bend, but it was also love.
It was love of new friends at music camp – friends whose sexuality was not allowed in my Church – that pushed me toward finally questioning. And, as I became more and more tormented and confused, it was the love of the friends surrounding me that gave me strength to leave my cult and to begin to find myself. (Y’all know who you are.) That love – those people – absolutely saved my life.
It was by loving and raising my children that I believe I most loved and healed myself. Giving them the love I didn’t fully feel inside myself brought that love fully inside myself.
It is love that always saves me now.
I love to love. I’ve written that here before. I love to love my family and my friends. I love to make strangers laugh and smile. I love to find ways to share love with the world. I love to believe in the love in the universe. My god – again, whose pronouns are they – is love. Always love.
When I meet with a book club, or guest lecture at the university, or keynote a speech my hope and goal is to spread love. To share the love I’ve been blessed to find, have, receive, and give in my life.
Love is my religion. All we need is love.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
Photo by Alyssa Sieb on nappy
