There is a church song that has been going through my head, pretty much nonstop. I mentioned this to a Second Gen friend of mine in a text chain. Her response was quick. “Nauseous”
The song that is playing inside me? “I’ll never leave you anymore.” As I have written here before, I used to sing that song in my head when we first joined the church and my mom first left us, pretty much always, but I was not singing to myself back then. It was my song to god, my repentance for never being enough, doing enough, sacrificing enough, or accomplishing enough for god. (At the age of 10…)
Now, as I explained to my nauseated Second Gen friend, I somehow seem to sing the song to myself. Actually to me. That I will never leave myself. That I will treasure myself and my “river of love, heart of gold, peaceful mind, and hand to hold.” Treasure them beyond belief.
There is a stanza that goes:
How will I use this treasure store?
How will I share this wordless joy?
I’ll great all men, with a loving heart.
I’ll speak the truth with a clear voice.
This is the stanza that is staying with me the most right now. Speaking my truth.
I have a medallion that my mom gave me, a lion head with the words RISE, TRUTH, and BE BRAVE on the front and SPEAK YOUR TRUTH on the back.
This is my mantra. My current learning. My daily practice to put down and away one more part of my cultic upbringing and the lies and fear that were intentionally carved into my brain. Speaking my truth and speaking my truth with a clear voice.
I may have been taught not to have a truth other than that which was given to me by my false messiah. I may have been instructed not to think or want or feel for myself, and I may have been trained to deny, ignore, and repress my truths, thoughts, wants, and feelings. I may have been told that I was lucky to live without my mother and to sacrifice for god, and I therefore may have known that I was sinful and tainted for how much I missed my mom when I was supposed to only be happy that she had left.
But now I can and do speak my truth with a clear voice. Now I feel and speak my feelings; I recognize and voice my wants; I realize and state my boundaries; I choose and shout out loud my love.
I speak the truth with a clear voice.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!