This ultimate, absolute, magnificent yes.
It’s been a week, again, on top of some hard weeks. But this week I think I finally realized how hard the past weeks have been, how bone-weary tired and spent I am.
Not to worry, everything is, in the long run, fine. There’s just been a lot of care and pouring out of attention and emotion, and, again, I’m bone-weary tired, with not much – if anything – left in me to give and any sort of buffer – or ability to not get triggered – gone.’
I have, in fact, (get ready for this cuz it’s pretty much not to be believed), admitted that it’s finally too much and I just can’t do it. At all. Anymore.
It might be the first time I’ve admitted this, or at least one of the very first times. I must have finally admitted this when I first crawled into Al-Anon. You’d think I might have meant, “It’s finally too much and I just can’t do it. At all. Anymore.” when I admitted I was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable.
Maybe. I’d like to think I did.
Either way, I am now. I am, once again, admitting I can’t and won’t do it alone, especially since a dearest friend who has strong program reminded me to turn it all over to my higher power (small g godexxes of love and joy).
Which brings me to Anne Lamott’s prayer.
As y’all know, I surround myself with joy, look for joy, and create joy. Every single day. Every single moment. As much as I can. I watch for my yellow birds and huge red headed woodpeckers (and yes, I know I’m old if I watch the birds, as quite a few friends have pointed out recently). I notice the silhouette of trees and the silhouette of trees against the blue sky. I watch for my yellow birds again.
Each time I see these, I say thank you. I pause, take an intentional breath, and say thank you. I say thank you in the evening for all the delights of my day and thank you in the morning for the start of a new day.
These thank you’s make my bone-weary tiredness and lack of buffer-ness a wee bit less.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!