Those of you who personally know me probably know me as a wee bit controlling. I don’t see it in myself, actually, but I’m pretty sure it’s there.
Don’t get me wrong, my controlling-ness is not because I in any way think I’m best at doing things. At least I don’t think it is. It’s more about the deeply engrained, I-don’t-even-know-it’s-there, absolute certainty that it’s ALWAYS my responsibility to make sure things are okay that was forced into my brain and my psyche when I was young. (Yes, by the cult I grew up in, amongst other things.)
And yes, I am aware that my blog post three weeks ago was “I’m not responsible for anything.” I am sincerely working on letting go of this compulsive absolute certainty to be over-responsible. I am really, really, really letting it go this time. 🙂
(Note – when that blog post was published, someone I love dearly emailed me with this response… ”That’s right, you’re not responsible for anything. You’re responsible for EVERYTHING!” That about says it all…)
As I’ve said perhaps way too many times, this compulsion kicks in without me knowing it, and it’s a slippery slope for me because it’s easily disguised as “I’m just helping” or “I’m trying to be my best, most evolved, most loving, giving self.” I don’t realize I’m trying to anticipate and meet your needs before you even know you have them; I don’t realize I’ve kicked into overdrive and overdo; and I don’t realize it actually comes across as controlling. It is controlling. At times.
Let me be perfectly clear, I know that this absolute certainty and compulsion to take care of things did save my life when I was young. Which makes it even more difficult and complex to put down. As does the fact that Danny (my dad), well, while he’s not imminently dying, as we were told he might be, he is absolutely declining. And I am absolutely wanting to give him whatever comfort and love I can in his last – albeit long – days. Which, if you know my history you can probably guess, is multilayered and heartbreaking. Very multilayered and heartbreaking.
So, for today, once again, I am really, really, really letting this go. I’m staying within my boundaries (as best as I can) and no longer – one minute at a time – trying to please everyone and everything.
It just doesn’t work, and it’s certainly not worth it.
Oh, and I’m very, very tired.
I really, really, really let go this time. And then I really, really, really let go again. I’ll be at this until – or as – I get it.
How about you? I’d really like to know.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
Photo by Gianandrea Villa on unsplash
