I first heard this in Al-Anon, more decades ago than I care to admit. It stumped me then, because as a recovering perfectionist whose “addiction” is being my best, most evolved, most lovable, giving, patient, compassionate – you get the idea – self, accepting myself right where and as I am right now, in my less than perfect moment and as my less than stellar self, was mind-blowing.
Incomprehensible in fact.
I was intentionally groomed, and my mind was intentionally carved, to know with full certainty that I was not enough as I was. That I was sinful and unworthy. That I was damaged and needed to suffer to soothe the sins of the world. That I needed to rise above my impure ways to achieve absolute perfection at all times. And that if I failed at this task, I would break god’s heart.
That, too, is incomprehensible in retrospect.
So, now I’m re-realizing that I’m exactly where – and how – I’m supposed to be. Even when I’m not at my best. Even when life is pretty damn hard right now and I’m pretty much sucking, at times, in how I’m dealing with it.
Well, I’m not sucking. I’m just being human. But it can sure feel like sucking.
I’ve been pretty tightly wound – understandably so. But I’ve been pretty tightly wound, and I’m pretty sure I’m not always so much fun to be around. Or easy to be around. I’ve been in such “make sure nothing drops” momentum that I quickly jump into too many things and situations – situations and things that aren’t mine to jump into.
And I’m letting that be okay.
I’m letting it be okay when I’m sad. I’m letting it be okay when I’m angry. I’m letting it be okay when I’m unreasonable. I’m letting it be okay when I feel broken. I’m letting it be okay when I’m filled with joy and thankfulness “anyway.” I’m letting it be okay that I’m dropping things and forgetting things and losing things. I’m letting it be okay when I lose my temper and my cool. I’m letting it be okay when I want – and give myself – more care and hugs than anyone might think humanly possible. As I’ve heard from Tara Brach, I’m putting my hand on my heart and allowing, with an, “and this.”
I’m letting it be okay that, at times, I want other people to take care of me. I’m letting it be okay that I take care of myself. I’m letting it be okay that I laugh even as I cry. I’m letting it be okay that my love – for myself, for others, for life, for the world – is also soaring inside of me.
I’m letting it be okay.
Because I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Even when I might think I’m not.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
