I was in my therapist’s office, digging deep into a situation that I’m now facing. A compilation of situations, in fact, that were – that are – knocking me hard.
As always, my therapist was about to ask me a question that I knew would help me point myself in a healing, wholing direction. As often, I thought I knew exactly where she was going.
“How can you find strength and solace in your…” she began.
I finished the question for her. “Power,” I said, knowing that I could and would step into my power and know that I would find and move my way through everything.
Only she didn’t say power. Her question ended with “powerlessness.”
I laughed. I laughed that I had completely gone the opposite direction from where she was headed. I laughed at how certain I was, as I faced pretty major uncertainty, that I needed to be more powerful, not more powerless, in order to be okay. When once again, acceptance is most likely my answer. At least it’s my first step.
I’ve decided that perhaps what I need to find strength and solace is both my powerlessness and, in appropriate measure, my power.
Here is my situation in a bit of shorthand – please skip it if you don’t want the details.
As I’ve shared already, just over five weeks ago Danny, my dad, died. There is a long story in that, and perhaps someday I’ll tell more of it. The day after he died, I met with a surgeon, and a week later I was in the OR having an extremely large ovarian cyst (for which I will be forever eternally thankful) removed, along with many other extraneous body parts.
Whilst the cyst was mostly fluid, there was a cancerous part. It was all contained and therefore is gone. I am currently cancer free and extremely lucky. I am also, most likely, starting chemo soon to help make sure I remain cancer free. One could maybe argue my luckiness or unluckiness about that. I am trying to wrap my head around how to move forward and through this for and with myself.
Hence my therapist’s question.
It has been a lot – too much – for my brain to take in. It has been knocking me hard.
Which probably helped me aim for my power – to be strong, to get through this, to be the warrior I can be. Which, don’t get me wrong, are all necessary and probably part of my healing and journey.
But first? My powerlessness. My ability to turn this over. My healing in realizing and admitting that so much is out of my control.
Don’t get me wrong – I will do all I can to move through this as strong and whole as possible, including standing in my power and finding the mind, body, and soul remedies that will ease and soothe me.
And I will also turn it over. And turn it over again. And again. I will remember that I am not in control and it’s not my job to fix or do everything. Not even now.
It’s more my “job” to be. Just be. Be with the feelings as my thoughts and emotions continue to thaw. Be with the fear and the anger and the joy and the beauty and the love and the uncertainty and the…
I am finding – and will find – strength and solace in both my power and my powerlessness.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on unsplash
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