I almost don’t want to admit this. I know it makes sense, based on the past I had and the way I was raised, but I don’t want it to be true.
I realized I’m trying to get this chemo thing “right.” To make sure I do – perfectly – whatever it is that I need to do so that the chemo actually works, and works as well as it can.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I know there are things I can do that will ease my body’s reaction to this “perfect poison” coursing through my veins. (That is not my term. I learned it from someone else, and it expresses how I’ve come to view – and even welcome – the chemotherapy that is being coursed through me.)
But this is different. This is an underlying sense of, “if you don’t meditate right, it might not be as effective.” “If you don’t visualize the chemo positively and embrace it wholeheartedly, you’ll lessen its ability to do its job.”
Let me state clearly that I (pretty much) know these aren’t true. Yet I can feel so many parts of me wanting to make sure I do what’s “right” so that this works. Which makes sense, but is not how I need or want to be.
It is the cult talking.
The chemo doesn’t need my help. It will do what it’s supposed to do and kill any microscopic cancer cells that might be floating around somewhere. (I am “cancer free” to the eye and the biopsy, and the chemo is meant to keep me that way). Whether or not I meditate or visualize or do it all – or anything – “right.”
I know that meditation and visualization will help me through this process, but the chemo doesn’t need me to work. It’s not my job. I am not all powerful, nor do I need to be.
Hand on my heart. Tons of self-compassion. Focus first and foremost on taking care of myself.
And let the chemo do its thing.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
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