This is what keeps catching me up right now. The lie – my lie – of vulnerability.
Don’t get me wrong. I know I’m healing my body from cancer and moving through chemo (round three of six this week). I know I obviously have been vulnerable to this challenge and that I’m powerless in many ways. I know that acceptance is still and always the answer to all my problems.
At the same time, while I may be powerless over the fact that cancer grew in my body, I chose to go through chemo, and that’s my power. I choose to heal my body – and take care of myself – in as many holistic and integrative modalities that feel right and good to me right now, and that’s my power. I choose to find love and joy and a mostly/sometimes positive outlook in the midst of all this sh-t, and that’s my power.
So much so that people keep telling me they don’t realize how hard it actually is for me or they’re amazed at how I keep going, keep moving, keep being out in public, and keep keeping a positive outlook. I honestly don’t realize I’m doing that…
That is my power and my reminder to myself that even within all the vulnerability of a cancer diagnosis and chemo treatment, my vulnerability is, in many ways, a lie.
The same is true for my emotional vulnerability. Like all human animals, I default to hyper-alertness to danger, real and imagined. Especially while facing the vulnerability of a cancer diagnosis and chemo treatment.
The truth is that I am safe. I can’t be abandoned. I don’t have to fight for my life. I am fine. I am whole. I am good. The childhood I had may have been filled with – and taught me – the opposite, but that fear, that hypervigilance, that vulnerability is, again, a lie.
So once again, I put my hand on my heart, I tell myself all I need to hear, I love myself beyond and I turn (way) up the volume on my self-compassion…
I remind myself of the lie of vulnerability…and I look for a yellow bird.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
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