This is what keeps catching me up right now. The lie – my lie – of vulnerability.
Don’t get me wrong. I know I’m healing my body from cancer and moving through chemo (round three of six this week). I know I obviously have been vulnerable to this challenge and that I’m powerless in many ways. I know that acceptance is still and always the answer to all my problems.
At the same time, while I may be powerless over the fact that cancer grew in my body, I chose to go through chemo, and that’s my power. I choose to heal my body – and take care of myself – in as many holistic and integrative modalities that feel right and good to me right now, and that’s my power. I choose to find love and joy and a mostly/sometimes positive outlook in the midst of all this sh-t, and that’s my power.
So much so that people keep telling me they don’t realize how hard it actually is for me or they’re amazed at how I keep going, keep moving, keep being out in public, and keep keeping a positive outlook. I honestly don’t realize I’m doing that…
That is my power and my reminder to myself that even within all the vulnerability of a cancer diagnosis and chemo treatment, my vulnerability is, in many ways, a lie.
The same is true for my emotional vulnerability. Like all human animals, I default to hyper-alertness to danger, real and imagined. Especially while facing the vulnerability of a cancer diagnosis and chemo treatment.
The truth is that I am safe. I can’t be abandoned. I don’t have to fight for my life. I am fine. I am whole. I am good. The childhood I had may have been filled with – and taught me – the opposite, but that fear, that hypervigilance, that vulnerability is, again, a lie.
So once again, I put my hand on my heart, I tell myself all I need to hear, I love myself beyond and I turn (way) up the volume on my self-compassion…
I remind myself of the lie of vulnerability…and I look for a yellow bird.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
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I recently learned about the cancer treatment you’ve been undergoing. I’m sending along the following Loving Kindness meditation prompt I work with in the morning:
Lisa, may you be filled with love, forgiveness, health and peace. May you be filled with stillness and happiness.
how wonderful to hear from you and thank you. How did you learn of it?
The “it” meaning your cancer treatment, or the meditation prompt?
Good question (and I don’t know how I missed it…) Probably cancer????