I am allowing myself to feel however I feel – the “good,” the “bad,” the in-between. I am using RAIN (recognize, allow/accept, investigate, and nurture – thank you Tara Brach!!!) to move through the feelings…or to let them move through me.

As a child, I had to not have “bad” feelings. I really didn’t know I had them – I pushed them so far down and away. I couldn’t be sad that my mom had left. I couldn’t hate living with my dad because it was a sacrifice (a scary sacrifice) for god. I couldn’t be afraid, or confused, or angry…definitely not angry.

All of which I am, at times, now.

So as bad as it feels to feel bad, I am reminding myself that it’s okay. That, in fact, it makes sense. That it’s actually probably healthy and healing and wholing to feel scared and confused and angry.

And then I look for what will – whatever will – lift my spirit and soul.

I will not deny my feelings. I will RAIN and RAIN and RAIN as often as I need to.

And then I will notice the trees against the blue sky, the yellow birds at my birdfeeder, playing cards with my kid, texting with and talking to the many many many friends and family who check on me and send me emojis and love.

I will put my hand on my heart – over and over and over again – and also allow myself to feel the love and calm and ease pouring to me and through me and within me.

I am standing steadfastly with and for myself through this chemo journey. And I am looking for – and LOVING – whatever lifts my spirit and soul.

It’s what I want now. And I will give it to myself.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Photo by MI PHAM on unsplash

If you have been in ANY high control group or religion, share your story with the hashtag #IGotOut. Share on your own platform OR if you need to be anonymous and/or would like support, there are resources at the @igotout_org website.

When you see a survivor share their story, let them know they have been heard. This is such a meaningful part of the movement. We all need to know we’re not alone.

If you know someone who has been harmed by a high demand group, share #igotout posts or stories you think would help them.

Together we can bring awareness to how many of us have been harmed by high control organizations and end the shame or stigma we might feel about our experiences.

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Find out more at igotout.org

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