I have treatment #5 in a few days (or maybe the day you see this). I went for a ‘trot’ today because damn, I wanted to and it might not be at all possible in a few days. I am wobbly and weak, maybe because of my trot. I’m full up on anxiety in this very moment, which I’m just letting be (hand on heart, breathing through, loving myself more and more and more, and practicing what I preach).

Accepting exactly how I am right now.

I was raised to achieve perfection and to know that I was sinful and broken and wrong. Just damn wrong. Which is the damn opposite of lovingly – or even begrudgingly – accepting exactly how I am right now.

But, as I’ve said and will say over and over and over again, those are the lies that were carved into my brain, and I don’t have to live by – or believe – them anymore. No matter how overwhelming and inescapable they may feel in the moment.

I can even accept that.

When I accept the buzzing feeling in my feet (#chemosideeffects), the worry and fear in my heart, the nearly uncontrollable impulse to figure out and fix, and the fear and anger, because a cancer diagnosis, even if my body is cancer free, is scary and unfair – they actually all lessen. Or at least I can more easily be okay right now. Okay enough.

I breathe slowly and fully. I put my hand on my heart and remind myself that I am well and safe in this moment and that I love myself beyond. I ground myself into the present moment.

And I smile. And breathe some more.

I accept exactly how I am right now.

I offer that to you.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Photo by Taylor Heery on unsplash

If you have been in ANY high control group or religion, share your story with the hashtag #IGotOut. Share on your own platform OR if you need to be anonymous and/or would like support, there are resources at the @igotout_org website.

When you see a survivor share their story, let them know they have been heard. This is such a meaningful part of the movement. We all need to know we’re not alone.

If you know someone who has been harmed by a high demand group, share #igotout posts or stories you think would help them.

Together we can bring awareness to how many of us have been harmed by high control organizations and end the shame or stigma we might feel about our experiences.

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Find out more at igotout.org

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