Many times I’ve heard and read that a lotus only grows in the mud.

Recently I’ve been pretty sure that for me, right now, it’s pretty muddy.

This is the mud.

Somehow the simple fact of saying – or writing – that frees me. Because, yes, it’s the mud. Tomorrow is my sixth of six chemo treatments, and while it’s at least somewhat unfathomable that I’m actually here, and it’s great, it’s also unfathomable that I may feel worse than I do already.

This is the mud.

It’s freeing because I can acknowledge it. I can RAIN – Recognize, Accept and Allow, Investigate, and Nurture.

And with that acceptance and that nurturing, I can turn to the beauty and love within me and around me. I can notice and savor the yellow birds and woodpeckers on my birdfeeder and my “hammock time” each day. I can drown and delight in all the love in my heart and all the love surrounding me. (Last week was my 41st high school reunion. Talk about love surrounding me!) I can know – as much as possible – that I am okay and I will be okay.

I can ground myself and steady myself and love myself.

First. Most. And Always.

It’s easy to lose myself in this process. It’s easy to forget what I know – my truth, my right to be and to be me…no matter what I was taught as a child, my right to live and love and laugh and take up so much f—-g space.


This may be the mud, and I am allowing my lotus – my self – to blossom and shine and grow.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Photo by Children Nature Network on nappy

If you have been in ANY high control group or religion, share your story with the hashtag #IGotOut. Share on your own platform OR if you need to be anonymous and/or would like support, there are resources at the @igotout_org website.

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