Chemo is definitely cumulative. I know they tell you it is. I know I’ve experienced that it is. But this round – yes, six of six – has hit me beyond hard.

It hurts to walk. It hurts to move. It hurts to type.

I woke very early this am, and everything hurt. Everything physical. Everything mental. Everything emotional. When I put my hand to my heart, with my “Good morning, sweetheart. I adore you Lisa” start to the day, I started to sob.

It hurts.

I’m letting that be and letting that be okay.

As I type this, I hear the judgment “pity party” ringing in my head. I’m ignoring that. I’m letting it be okay that I’m sitting in and with this and letting it be hard and admitting it.

To all of you who want to remind me that this is the (hopefully) last time I go through this – that it’s done; that I’m done – I know this. I remember this. Thank you. It’s so true. I am so thankful.

And it hurts anyway, and I’m letting that be okay.

I’m letting it be okay that walking around the block was tough, that getting up from a chair or couch is challenging, that I’m huffing and puffing and cursing my way through the day.

I let myself sit with and in this. I let myself sob and release. It’s been long. It’s been hard. It still is.

I’m letting myself feel it, own it, be it…

And then I also find my self – my love, my space, my joy.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

If you have been in ANY high control group or religion, share your story with the hashtag #IGotOut. Share on your own platform OR if you need to be anonymous and/or would like support, there are resources at the @igotout_org website.

When you see a survivor share their story, let them know they have been heard. This is such a meaningful part of the movement. We all need to know we’re not alone.

If you know someone who has been harmed by a high demand group, share #igotout posts or stories you think would help them.

Together we can bring awareness to how many of us have been harmed by high control organizations and end the shame or stigma we might feel about our experiences.

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