As my chemo’d eases, my insomnia’d has crept a bit back in. F—g p—s me off. I want to only start feeling less achy, less tired, more like me, and instead I have days with the physical, mental, and emotional pain of insomnia’d. Where I feel so bad, I can’t tell if I am feeling at all better.

Of course it makes sense that, with everything going on, I can have a hard time sleeping. My sleep doctor was awed with how decent my sleep was throughout this whole ordeal. And of course it’s not life-threatening, but it hits me so hard, it can feel like it is. Especially now. Especially now it saps me of the strength I need to get through everything else. To get through everything else as well as I hope I can.

It is what it is, and I accept it. But I don’t like it. I really don’t like it. It really is so hard.

Then my friend(s) remind me that it’s a beautiful day and to feel the sunshine.

To find the joy in this breath. In this moment.

And I find a moment of ease.

“I will take more from cancer than cancer takes from me.” That’s not my line, but it’s amazing. It feels very clichéd to say that cancer is a wakeup call, but it’s a damn wakeup call. A reminder that life can be a lot shorter than we may want it to be, so there’s even more reason to find the joy in this breath. In this moment.

When I stop and pause. When I notice the sunshine and the birds and the gloriously changing leaves. When I soothe myself with my hammock time or a cup of tea or the microwave heating pad that’s become somewhat of a security blanket when placed on my chest.

I find the joy in this breath. In this moment. It calms me. It comforts me. it lights up my heart with joy.

It’s okay if I acknowledge that cancer sucks. Chemo sucks. Insomnia sucks. The fear and anxiety and uncertainty of all of this sucks.

But I sit with the feelings. I curl up with my security blanket. And I do my best to find the joy in this breath. In this moment.

And I am okay enough.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

If you have been in ANY high control group or religion, share your story with the hashtag #IGotOut. Share on your own platform OR if you need to be anonymous and/or would like support, there are resources at the @igotout_org website.

When you see a survivor share their story, let them know they have been heard. This is such a meaningful part of the movement. We all need to know we’re not alone.

If you know someone who has been harmed by a high demand group, share #igotout posts or stories you think would help them.

Together we can bring awareness to how many of us have been harmed by high control organizations and end the shame or stigma we might feel about our experiences.

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