As my chemo’d eases, my insomnia’d has crept a bit back in. F—g p—s me off. I want to only start feeling less achy, less tired, more like me, and instead I have days with the physical, mental, and emotional pain of insomnia’d. Where I feel so bad, I can’t tell if I am feeling at all better.
Of course it makes sense that, with everything going on, I can have a hard time sleeping. My sleep doctor was awed with how decent my sleep was throughout this whole ordeal. And of course it’s not life-threatening, but it hits me so hard, it can feel like it is. Especially now. Especially now it saps me of the strength I need to get through everything else. To get through everything else as well as I hope I can.
It is what it is, and I accept it. But I don’t like it. I really don’t like it. It really is so hard.
Then my friend(s) remind me that it’s a beautiful day and to feel the sunshine.
To find the joy in this breath. In this moment.
And I find a moment of ease.
“I will take more from cancer than cancer takes from me.” That’s not my line, but it’s amazing. It feels very clichéd to say that cancer is a wakeup call, but it’s a damn wakeup call. A reminder that life can be a lot shorter than we may want it to be, so there’s even more reason to find the joy in this breath. In this moment.
When I stop and pause. When I notice the sunshine and the birds and the gloriously changing leaves. When I soothe myself with my hammock time or a cup of tea or the microwave heating pad that’s become somewhat of a security blanket when placed on my chest.
I find the joy in this breath. In this moment. It calms me. It comforts me. it lights up my heart with joy.
It’s okay if I acknowledge that cancer sucks. Chemo sucks. Insomnia sucks. The fear and anxiety and uncertainty of all of this sucks.
But I sit with the feelings. I curl up with my security blanket. And I do my best to find the joy in this breath. In this moment.
And I am okay enough.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
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