I am getting stronger, and I’m so not there yet. I am weary and sore and achy…and so much stronger than I was. I am so tired of being weary and sore and achy…and I’m so much stronger than I was.

Emotionally it’s a roller-coaster too. Today I’m allowing the duality of so much sadness coursing through me and feeling like it’s the definition of me and the joy and love that’s mine for the noticing and savoring.

It’s a lot. That’s all I keep saying to those who ask. It’s a lot. It’s just a lot. It’s been a lot, and it still is a lot.

I say that, and at first, I hear the judgments reverberating in my brain. “Don’t complain.” “Tell them you’re fine. In many ways you’re fine.” “Stop taking up so much space…”

I know those are false. Of course it’s a roller-coaster. Of course it’s tough that I don’t feel all better yet. Of course it’s a lot.

My yoga instructor shares, “’Don’t worry. I’ve got you.’ The Universe.”

I remember to relax. To let go. To breathe. To trust. I remember to put my hand on my heart and to bathe myself in self-compassion and love. To know that it is okay. That I am okay. Right here, right now, in this moment, I am okay.

Of course it hurts. I hurt. I hurt a lot. It is a lot.

And the universe has me. I can lean into all the love in my heart and all the love surrounding me…and smile. And pause. And soothe. I can send a text-love to those in my life who are also suffering now and appreciate that in the midst of all of this, I still have so much and so much to give.

I turn in to my heart to feel me, because damn it all, I have really, really, really learned to love myself through all of this. I turn out to the world and let the beauty of the day – the trees, the sunshine – fill and fuel me.

I remember the universe has me. I grieve. I weep. I breathe. And I keep going with the beginnings of a smile on my face.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Photo by Rachel Cook on unsplash

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