Last week was a tough week.
I had a scare, or at least something that scared me, mostly because of lack of communication from my doctors. That threw me.
My kid, who had been here taking such sweet care of me and spending so much scrumptious time with me, left to go back home to Minneapolis. That gutted me.
And I sat in a meditation and came upon so much anger that was brewing within me. And that’s hard for me.
I was so powerfully taught that anger was wrong and satanic. I was so never allowed to be angry. I was so afraid of being angry and so unaware of it if I was. When I was.
All of this was carved into my mind and psyche. I needed to stay within these cages in order to be safe. In order to survive. I needed to have no boundaries and to never complain.
But none of that is true anymore.
I am, therefore, sitting with this anger. I am letting myself feel the anger. I am letting it flow through me. I am realizing that it’s there and letting it show me how I need to take even more care of myself. How I need to advocate for myself. How I need to love myself – even more and even more always.
I will say once here, I am angry at this f—–g disease. I am angry that I had cancer. That I “needed” chemo. That I’m on this journey. I am healing, and I am getting stronger, and I will be fine. And I hate it.
And, once again, I will take more from cancer than cancer takes from me.
I am angry at the cult I grew up in, at all the harm that was done and all the people who failed to protect me and who outright hurt me. I am okay, and I hate that too.
I will, also, take more from all that happened to and around me than it takes from me.
I can sit with this anger. I can know it’s okay to feel it. I can see what, if anything, I need or want to do with and about it. What, if anything, I need or want to learn from it.
I can breathe. I can watch the HUGE snowflakes falling down. I can remember the (faded in color) yellow bird who came to visit me last week when I sat outside.
I can know that right now, right here, I am okay. I can remind myself that anger is a beautiful, powerful, necessary emotion.
I can sit with all of this.
How about you?
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
Photo by @_flipthescriptbook on nappy
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