I noticed this the other day. Old habits can die hard, I guess. I know.

I was still trying.

Trying to rest well. Trying to do enough. Trying not to do too much. Trying to get it right, right, right.

As my new saying goes, I’m gonna let that shit go.

It makes sense that I’m trying. And that I have to sometimes try not to try. Trying was a coping mechanism when I was young. It was deeply engrained in me – taught to me as my heavenly duty – in the cult in which I was raised.

And I received a cancer diagnosis last year. That in and of itself can make one try so hard…just to get some semblance of control in an uncontrollable situation. In an uncontrollable world.

I’m still trying

I’m also so aware of how much I’m ready to be done trying. To let go of getting it right, getting it done, getting it perfect (actually think I gave that one up long ago). To let go of making sure everything is finished – finished well – and everyone is happy – really happy.

To know that what’s yours is yours. What’s mine is mine. And whatever is, is fine. Just as it is.

It still takes stopping and noticing that I’m trying. I need to actively choose to pause. To slow down. To breathe. Especially to breathe.

I need to remind myself to shift and to smile and to be.

When I do, I can feel myself recenter on and with myself. I can put my hand on my heart (gently, because it’s still sore from my recent “no breast” surgery). I can also put my hand on my stomach, because that’s still healing from last year’s surgery. And chemo. And grief.

And I feel and I be.

It really is that simple…and that challenging at times. To take a break. To rest. To breathe. To know what’s mine. To remember to love myself first, most, and always.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

If you have been in ANY high control group or religion, share your story with the hashtag #IGotOut. Share on your own platform OR if you need to be anonymous and/or would like support, there are resources at the @igotout_org website.

When you see a survivor share their story, let them know they have been heard. This is such a meaningful part of the movement. We all need to know we’re not alone.

If you know someone who has been harmed by a high demand group, share #igotout posts or stories you think would help them.

Together we can bring awareness to how many of us have been harmed by high control organizations and end the shame or stigma we might feel about our experiences.

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Find out more at igotout.org

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