I’ve written before about the cult hymn I grew up with:

How will I use this treasure store?
How will I share this wordless joy?
I’ll greet all men with a loving heart.
I’ll speak the truth with a clear voice.

I was taught to be a heavenly soldier for god and my “True Parents” – Rev and Mrs Moon. I was taught that there was a truth that was absolute Truth and therefore higher and “truer” than mine.

I am discovering, remembering, and knowing that that’s not true. That is the cult talking, as I’ve also learned to say in the last few years.

I have taught myself that my truth is the truth I must know and follow. As far as I now believe, there isn’t an ultimate truth, and my truth is not inherently wrong.

These can still be mind-blowing for me.

I am learning to trust my body (which I largely shut down and disassociated from to be safe when I was young), my gut (which I never knew was there – see above), and my heart (which I was told to – and therefore perfectly did – doubt and question). I am finding my way and looking to me for my first answers.

None of this means that I disregard others and their opinions, perspectives, needs, and wants. It means that I don’t disregard myself either. That I do my best to be open and flexible and to, as much as I can, always come from love. And that I also come from love for myself.

As I like to remind myself (and anyone who will listen), that we love ourselves first, most, and always.

When I allow and trust and speak my truth, I am, in fact, more open and willing. I am also less anxious, less hypervigilant, and less reactive.

It seems like a win-win to me.

All of this is why one of my recent tattoos was “Speak my truth in a clear voice.” (Written in my older child’s handwriting, because they are kind and loving, and we couldn’t find a font we liked.) It is outrageously funny to me that it’s on my arm in a place that I can’t fully see, because the tattoo artist insisted that that placement was best. (Get the irony? I can’t see the tattoo the way I wanted to because I didn’t fully trust my own voice.)

All of this is to remind myself to listen for my truth and to speak it, at least to myself, at least so I have some sense of what it is. As I heal from all that’s happened in the past year. As I continue to move forward in an even more whole and lovingly-paced pace (aka slower). As I find more and more and more of me that my health and heart challenges have brought to light.

I will lovingly hold myself against the falsehoods that were intentionally carved into me.

I will speak my truth in a clear voice.

How about you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

If you have been in ANY high control group or religion, share your story with the hashtag #IGotOut. Share on your own platform OR if you need to be anonymous and/or would like support, there are resources at the @igotout_org website.

When you see a survivor share their story, let them know they have been heard. This is such a meaningful part of the movement. We all need to know we’re not alone.

If you know someone who has been harmed by a high demand group, share #igotout posts or stories you think would help them.

Together we can bring awareness to how many of us have been harmed by high control organizations and end the shame or stigma we might feel about our experiences.

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