I can get very easily confused.

It is always (or at least sometimes still) difficult for me to decipher the difference between doing what’s next best for me to heal, move forward, and embrace joy and trying hard to make things happen.

This is true with my health. Am I taking steps to recover, or am I pushing through the next potential remedy or mindfulness exercise because it “has to be done” for me to be okay? Am I eating my broccoli sprouts and turkeytail mushrooms and meditating because it feels good and may help keep me cancer free (or at least in a good mindset), or am I doing these out of fear and my old compulsive compulsions to do everything necessary…and everything necessary perfectly? Because I “need to” for me to be okay.

This is true with my daily life. Do I hope to show up as my best, most loving, most grounded self, or do I know I must be my best self because less than that is not acceptable? Am I coming from joy and love because it feels good and it is me, or do I know I must be my best self because less than that is not acceptable? Because I “need to” for me to be okay.

Am I remembering to take care of myself whilst I take care of others? Am I remembering to love myself first, most, and always, like my newest tattoo reminds me to do? Or am I still being the “wee engine that will (perfectly) no matter what” as my big brother calls me and I’m just not aware of it? I can still fall back into that so, so, so easily. Am I pushing because I’m used to pushing and struggling to get it done and get it done right?

It still can be tough for me to decipher these differences. I can still slip into overdrive, if I’m not paying attention. And, as I will take more from cancer than cancer takes from me, I no longer want to do that.

Today I choose to (again) let go of this struggle. To (again) let go of my push and drive and need to do it all (perfectly) and to be myself perfectly.

I let go of what’s hard. Of worrying that I got it wrong or didn’t do enough. (Actually, as I write that, I realize that old tape is nearly nonexistent!) Of trying. Of trying harder. And harder still.

I let myself just be.

I give up and accept that I can’t do it all, and I can’t do it all perfectly. Nor do I really want to anymore. At least the healthier, wiser, more healed self of me doesn’t want to anymore.

I let go of the struggle. It feels really, really good.

How about you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

If you have been in ANY high control group or religion, share your story with the hashtag #IGotOut. Share on your own platform OR if you need to be anonymous and/or would like support, there are resources at the @igotout_org website.

When you see a survivor share their story, let them know they have been heard. This is such a meaningful part of the movement. We all need to know we’re not alone.

If you know someone who has been harmed by a high demand group, share #igotout posts or stories you think would help them.

Together we can bring awareness to how many of us have been harmed by high control organizations and end the shame or stigma we might feel about our experiences.

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