I am definitely in a weird space, and I am letting that be. I know that so much from the last year is sinking in and crystalizing and processing, and I know that I can’t – nor do I want to – rush it. I am letting myself be with my uncertainty and awkwardness and hurting, as well as my healing and delight and anticipation for more…and everything else.
I am also letting the ease, love, and joy seep in.
I am spending this week with my older child, and I am delighting in that. The outing we took to an amazing sculpture garden. The thrifting we did to try to find me clothes that fit my ‘at least for now’ new body. The yellow birds that somehow still found me, off the highway in a sculpture garden in somewhat northern Minnesota. The joy and delight of simply being with my kid. The overwhelming love I have for them…and the staggering love I have in my heart overall, when I let myself feel it and bask in it.
I am letting the ease, love, and joy seep in.
I am allowing myself space to feel the pain I maybe couldn’t fully feel last year. Sometimes you have to push through to get through, and maybe I had to and did do that. I am gifting myself quietness and slowness and doing-nothing-ness and letting myself simply be, because, in many ways, that’s all I want right now. Just to sit and accomplish pretty much nothing. This is still somewhat new for me, and I don’t know if it’s a lasting newness or not. But for now, it’s where I am, and that’s okay.
I feel maybe like the caterpillar who is dissolving in its cocoon, on the way toward becoming a (hopefully 😊) beautiful butterfly.
This is all okay for now, and I am also letting the ease, love, and joy seep in.
There is so much beauty for me to notice, even in the midst of all else that’s going on within me. There is so much love for me to give and receive, even in the midst of all that’s going on. There is so much ease and joy for me to let my body, mind, soul, and spirit absorb, even in the midst.
I am letting those all seep in and fill me and fuel me. It’s a choice I can make and am making in at least most moments. Take it in; take it in; take it in…
Then share it out with others.
How about you?
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
If you have been in ANY high control group or religion, share your story with the hashtag #IGotOut. Share on your own platform OR if you need to be anonymous and/or would like support, there are resources at the @igotout_org website.
When you see a survivor share their story, let them know they have been heard. This is such a meaningful part of the movement. We all need to know we’re not alone.
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Together we can bring awareness to how many of us have been harmed by high control organizations and end the shame or stigma we might feel about our experiences.
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