I am back at my yoga practice! First time since New Year’s – my last surgery.

In fact, I am back at the studio! First time since…well since before it all began. Since April, 2022.

There are no words for how amazing it feels. How grounding. How healing. How grieving. As if I’m coming even more back in touch with myself – my body, my spirit, my soul, my mind, and my heart. I did not realize how much I was missing and how much I was missing it. (And for the record, I can do most of it!!!!)

You probably missed it too, because my yoga instructors so often remind me of what I need to remember. What I know, but frequently forget. And what I share here.

“If you’re struggling, you’ve gone too far,” my instructor said, as we went into some pose.

I wasn’t struggling. Contrary to many people’s apparent assumptions, I am generally quite okay with how little I can do and how slowly I need to go. In life and in yoga. Much more okay than I thought I’d be, and, again apparently, much more okay than many other people thought I’d be.

But at times I continue to struggle off my mat.

As okay as I am with most of where I am right now, there are a few things that I apparently am still trying too hard at. Where I apparently keep going too far. Even as I strive to let go (yes, I know that’s kind of an oxymoron).

As much as I breathe and accept and relax and rest – and please, please, please believe me when I say I do – there are times I’m still hooked in, even when I think I’m not.

There are moments where I feel the struggle still there inside of me, and I realize there is, even now perhaps, push and determination. Even if it’s – hilariously – push and determination not to push and be determined.

I’ve decided to just note when I’m caught in it. Like in Dr. Who, where they mark their bodies every time they see the Silence, so they remember that they do, I am metaphorically marking myself, so I notice – perhaps again and again and again – that I’m still going too far.

It makes tons of sense that I still do this, and I’m ready as all hell to let it go. Bit by bit, moment by moment, instance by instance, I am ready to let it go and to go less far.

Even if it’s a wee bit scary. Or unsettling. Or the opposite of what I learned to do when I was young.

Because when I’m (still) struggling, I’ve gone too far.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Photo by Drew Muse on nappy

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