When people ask me how I am, I often answer “I don’t really know.”

Well, I answer, “Better. Okay or at least okay enough. Sometimes close to good. Stronger. And I don’t really know.”

I’m in such a state of evolving and flux. Like I’m the caterpillar in the cocoon, waiting to fight my way out as a butterfly. (I just learned that it’s a struggle for the butterfly to break free.) Like I don’t really know how the past year – the cancer, the chemo, the surgeries, Danny’s death, etc. – have changed me (or not) and affected me.

They’ve definitely affected me, and I’m really okay with not knowing and letting it unfold.

Well, mostly.

Because whilst I’m really okay, I also get caught in trying to figure it out. Or at least trying not to try to figure it out. (My therapist explained to me the other day that those of us who survived by trying hard can have a tough time letting that coping mechanism go. We get caught in trying not to try. It’s quite a confusing conundrum for me at times.)

So, I’m being. And being some more. Doing my best not to do and trying my best not to try. Breathing. Feeling. Processing. Letting it all flow through me and breathing some more. And trying not to try some more.

Which may not make any sense to those of you who don’t get caught in this. Who don’t have these fascinating mind carvings and old scars that kick in. But please raise your hand (and ping me) if it does.

As I’ve written before, I was meditating with the Calm app the other day, and they were talking about our gift of metacognition – where we can think about our own thinking. They offered the tool of just calling out when you’re thinking obsessively about the same thing.

I started doing that. Simply noting each time I caught myself trying…even if I was trying not to try. It got to be a bit ridiculous…but it worked eventually. The trying – at least on that one topic – lessened – at least a wee bit.

So, as I seem to write somewhat incessantly here, I’m being more, breathing more, letting it go more, letting it go again more, pausing more, noticing more, and putting my hand on my heart with as much self-love and self-compassion as I can find and generate.

Today I BE. How about you?

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

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