I have a yoga pal. Let’s call him Jimmy. He’s there in his spot (as I am in mine) every Saturday morning.

His welcome hugs have always been amazing, as has the way his face lights up when we see each other. Especially since I was sick and am now better.

I don’t know him well. I don’t really know him at all. I just know we welcome each other to class and also, I guess. to just showing up and being.

But I noticed something this past Saturday, as we came in for our hello hug. I noticed that I couldn’t really let the care he was offering me sink in. It felt almost good, but I couldn’t absorb it.

I’ve been noticing this pattern lately. In the intense coaching workshop I took last week, when one of the instructors told me that I was worthy and beautiful, (after a gut-wrenching session), I felt myself not let that sink in. I had to ask him to say it again, and I still let/made it bounce off of me somewhat. When I’m with my kiddies, remembering to soak in the moments and to let them sink into me to continue to heal and whole and delight me, I can feel a part of myself off to the side, not letting it fully in.

Me. Love Embodied me. I will Love With All My Heart me. Me who believes in love, gives a ton of love, and preaches about love.

I am not letting all the love around me sink in or even get very close to me. Fascinating.

I could give you all the reasons why I’ve developed this defense mechanism, and for that matter, you may know enough about me and about trauma and about my trauma specifically that you could also give me those reasons too.

It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that I’ve noticed it, and awareness is the first step. My next step is #tonsofcompassion for the me that learned to and had to put the barriers up in the first place.

And my most important steps are to ease those barriers down, bit by bit. To let in more of the love and care and connection. To see myself as others see me (something I nearly always, if not always, wish for my clients). To take it all in and let it all fill and fuel me.

From this moment on, I am easing down those barriers and defenses.

I will Love With All My Heart

Photo by Alyssa Sieb on nappy

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