I’m coming clean and going open and vulnerable again, in case it helps someone else. It’s again about my body, but this time it’s about body release.
After my cancer and chemo, I started on various health journeys and found various health practitioners to support me.
First was a “pelvic floor physical therapist” for my scarred, bruised body after my “everything-ectomy.” The amazing thing was/is that she also worked craniosacral release into my sessions. My body started to feel safe and to release.
Then I found someone to do myofascial work on my no-breast surgery scars. My body continued to feel safe and to release even more.
Lastly, my functional doctor recommended Somatic Experiencing Therapy for me, to help me live more in my parasympathetic nervous system (the rest and relaxation mode) rather than my sympathetic nervous system (the fight and flight mode).
My body continues to feel safe and to release even, even more.
I don’t know how to fully describe these sessions and what happens, and it might be too much for some of you, but in the belief that someone somewhere might need to read this and know they’re not alone, I will try.
I scream. I wretch. My body shakes and trembles and jerks. I shout (a lot of “NO!”). I cry. I sob. I expel a lot of energy and air, with a ongoing, not-stopping, very loud “huh” sound. I’m lying on a massage table quietly one moment, and then s—t just pours out. And out. And out.
Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. wrote about trauma, and trauma being stored in bodies, in The Body Keeps The Score. My stored trauma is exploding out. It’s terrifying and healing. It’s hard and amazing. It’s scary and whole-ing.
I’ve written many times that I have a hard time owning that my childhood was tough. After a few of these body release sessions, I told my therapist that even I had to admit there was something there. How could I have this much gunk to expel if there weren’t scars and memories and something there.
I know that there is s—t in me to let out, and I’m grateful that I’ve found safe places to do this and safe practitioners to do it with. I honestly sometimes think that’s a gift of my cancer and chemo and BRAC2/no-breast surgery. They all led me to find support and physical healing…and the physical healing has gone a hell of a lot deeper.
I know I’m getting stronger and whole-r and more grounded. I’m finding and owning myself and my voice and my truth more.
I am letting out all the s—t that my body held onto and squashed down in order to survive.
My body has kept the score, and I’m now standing with and for my body. (Ping me if you want to know more about any of this.)
It is good.
Photo by William Barlow on unsplash
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