Again, a yoga practice. Again, exactly what I needed to hear.
I remember when I first heard this, when I crawled into Al-Anon decades (and decades) ago. “You’re exactly where you need to be,” they told me.
That gave me such freedom to begin to accept myself as I was, where I was. To have a sense that I was doing the best I could, and that that was okay enough. As a far-from-recovering perfectionist, who didn’t even realize they were a perfectionist, it was healing. (I have to admit it also annoyed me at the time, because if I was doing the best I could, then all those “you’s” around me were probably doing the best they could too…but that’s another blog post.)
It was also what I needed now.
I wasn’t in a great place yesterday, as I practiced on my mat. I hadn’t slept well the night before, and as someone who is still finding my way out of a very nasty, very prolonged second foray into insomnia, not sleeping enough can really knock me down. It can (and did) bring me into a hefty depression. It can (and did) mess up my stomach. It can (and did) give me a headache. It can (and did) sap all my energy so that I felt nearly chemo’d again.
But, I was exactly where I needed to be…
I heard my yoga instructor say this, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I didn’t even know I’d been metaphorically holding my breath. I realized that not only was the lack of sleep making me feel really not well, but that the fear of the sleep getting bad again heightened all of that really not well. And on top of that, I was beating myself up for all of it. For not being more healed. For not finding a way to feel better. Even though I knew that it was the sleep deprivation that was causing my depression and my beating myself up about my depression, I was caught in that cycle anyway.
But, I’m was and am exactly where I’m supposed to be. Phew.
The last five years have been incredibly hard. Incredibly full of beauty and learning and healing and growth as well, but incredibly hard. Remembering that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be gives me such a sweet pass for having to be better or further along or handling things more smoothly than I am. It allows me to accept myself exactly as I am (and acceptance is the answer to all my problems), and to have HUGE compassion for myself as I, even as I write this blog, see the ways the cult’s controlling teachings and the ways my brain was intentionally carved and the coping mechanisms I developed that saved my life then but don’t work anymore are all still at least somewhat active in me.
But, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and I’m doing the best I can…and that’s good enough.
PS I slept well last night and feel much better today
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