That’s what my therapist said to me, when I said something like, “Wow, I’ve cried so much…”

My therapist since, I think, 2009, off and on.

She’s seen me a lot, but according to her, that a lot didn’t include a lot of crying.

This conversation was at least a few months ago, maybe more, and I’m pretty certain I’ve made up for lost time with my current crying.

This is the same therapist who has said to me, “I think you’ll really heal from all that happened to you when you can acknowledge all that happened to you…and that it was hard.”

I think I’ve at least somewhat made up for lost time on that one too. I spend a lot of time crying now…crying, “It was hard. It was really hard.”

I was one of those over-functioners who pushed through no matter what. I liken my old self to Mighty Mouse. Mighty Mouse as in, “Here I come to save the day!!!!”

This over-functioning certainly was necessary through the hard stuff – the hard stuff from my childhood and the hard stuff from my more recent past. It absolutely “helped” me, and I absolutely have some of my accomplishments and successes because I can push through no matter what.

But I also have some of my inability to see that it was (sometimes is) hard and to admit that it’s hard because I can over-function. My inability to say “enough” and to chill and rest and, honestly, give up at times. Because I can handle pretty much anything, even until it’s waaaay too much.

If I didn’t know it before, one thing the cancer and chemo and surgeries and concussions definitely taught me is that this over-functioning comes at that cost.

It’s a cost I’m no longer willing to pay.

Now I rest. Now I stop. Now I say, “No,” or, “Enough.” Now I even under-function at times.

Now I cry in therapy. I sob. I mourn. I grieve. I feel the pain that wasn’t safe to feel when things were happening. I have compassion for the me that went through all of that and for the me that has to finally feel some of it now. I let it all out – all of it that was squished down way deep inside of me by my necessary over-functioning.

I cry what I think is a lot, and I feel damn way better for all the crying.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Photo by Artem Nedzelskiy on unsplash

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