I am feeling my past – and the scars and chains of my past – healing and falling off of me in the most powerful ways.
I’m deep in EMDR in a therapy session, or lying on the table during some body work, and I mentally go back to moments in my childhood, per usual. I often find myself in the dining room of 71st Street, the first church center that we experienced, or Belvedere, listening to Moon speak. Only these times when I go back, I stand up, loudly and defiantly proclaim, “F—k you. I don’t believe this and will not do this,” and walk out.
This is remarkable to me. I would have said unbelievable or impossible even perhaps a few months ago.
Now I know differently.
Now I know that those are all my past. Those moments. Those beliefs. That brain carving. They are my past, and they are not who I am.
The first time I said that out loud in therapy, it blew both my mind and the mind of my therapist. (And then we celebrated.)
That is my past. Those are my past. They are not who I am.
All of those experiences – the trauma, the pain, the confusion, the anguish, the abuse, the…. – all of that happened, and all of that helped make me who I am today.
But it is not who I am today.
I am much more than that.
We all are.
I was even much more of that back then, but I was so encased in the lies and brain carvings that were forced on and into me, that I had no idea of a me separate from all of it. I didn’t even know that there was trauma and pain and confusion and anguish and abuse. I pushed those so deeply inside of me that I didn’t even know they were there.
But now I really know. I know with all my heart and soul and mind and being that I am not my past. I am my present and my presence. I am the future I am creating and the life I am intentionally living. I am the message I believe I’m here to share – that we all need to love ourselves first, most, and always.
I am me. I like the me I am, love it actually. This me is because of my past and my healing, but it is much, much more than my past.
That past is not who I am.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
