I’m trying to remember where I heard this. Perhaps it doesn’t matter. All I know is that it resonated with me then, and each time I read and reread it, it reverberates deeper and fuller.
I reverberate deeper and fuller.
As someone who was groomed and contained and carved by so many lies, this is a truth that frees me.
Groomed and carved and contained by lies such as:
- The bigger the suffering, the greater the sacrifice
- Taking care of yourself is sinful and selfish (in a bad way)
- Anger is “Cain-like” behavior (as in, you’ll kill your “brother” and fail)
- There are RIGHT ways to be and do and think and express, and anything other than that will break god’s heart
Lies that had me and other Moonie Second Gens – those of us born and/or raised in an extremist situation — so out of touch with ourselves that we didn’t even know we had the feelings we weren’t supposed to have. They were buried too deep.
I knew that I didn’t matter except to sacrifice and suffer. If I had known that I had needs, I would have known that they were selfish and wrong. That I was selfish and wrong. If I had known that I was angry or sad or not okay with anything that was done to and around me in the church, I would have known that I was invaded by Satan and, again, breaking god’s heart.
Quite a lot of carving and grooming and containing to keep one from self expressing or even just being.
So when I heard that statement, it rang so true and deep. I am very aware that if I had heard this even a year ago, or maybe even a few months ago, it would have still seemed incomprehensible to me. Again, the effectiveness of that grooving and carving and containing.
But now it rings true.
When I know and be and express my true, authentic, whole self, my nervous system calms down from all the hypervigilance and hyperobedience that I needed to survive. When I live and lean into me and into life, and life as me, I am wholer and fuller and more grounded and healed and complete.
My whole being – mind, body, heart, and spirit – feel me being me and allowing me and accepting me and cherishing me and celebrating me. Feel me loving myself first most and always and in all ways.
Which is liberating and powerful and magic.
Which allows, again, my nervous system to calm and regulate.
Which allows me to be even more me.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!