It was toward the end of the yoga practice, and I was in my zone. Grounded. Present. Strong and stretched.
Then Amazing Grace came through the speakers.
It is a beautiful song. It also was a church (cult) song.
Sometimes it lifts me up and fills me with…well…grace, but not today. Today it crashed me and crashed me hard. I don’t know how to explain the feelings that washed over me. I just know that I hurt. I hurt hard.
I found myself on the verge of sobbing but didn’t want to sob out loud during a yoga practice. In the yoga studio. In the very front of the room.
I wanted to be noticed and taken care of, whilst at the same time I didn’t want anyone to know that I’d been metaphorically knocked down and gutted by the song.
I’ve learned to breathe through my trauma triggers. To let the feelings come and be and pass when they’re ready to, so I let the tears fall gently instead and I put my hand on my heart to soothe me.
I know I am strong and capable now and that I can and will always take care of myself, and these trauma triggers ignite my compassion for the little kid I was, who went through all of it. All of it was simply too much.
My therapist once told me that things would probably get easier for me once I admitted how hard they were. Welp, I have admitted, and they have gotten much easier.
I still can get sideswiped by a trigger, often out of nowhere.
What makes it the most different now is that, as I noted above, I can and will take care of myself. I am so proud to say that at the end of the practice I went up to the instructor and told her that Amazing Grace had trauma-triggered and gutted me.
She promised to take it off the play list.
The “old” me would have decided that I needed to be strong in a different way. That in order to somehow prove my health and healing, I should be strong enough that I don’t need to ask her to ditch that song. My old strength was powering and pushing through, no matter what and no matter what damage to me.
Not the choice I made. Not the path I took. Not the way I am strong and take care of me now.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!
