Don’t worry, I’ve got you – the universe

Don’t worry, I’ve got you – the universe

I am getting stronger, and I’m so not there yet. I am weary and sore and achy…and so much stronger than I was. I am so tired of being weary and sore and achy…and I’m so much stronger than I was. Emotionally it’s a roller-coaster too. Today I’m allowing the duality of...
I’m just going to let myself feel it

I’m just going to let myself feel it

Chemo is definitely cumulative. I know they tell you it is. I know I’ve experienced that it is. But this round – yes, six of six – has hit me beyond hard. It hurts to walk. It hurts to move. It hurts to type. I woke very early this am, and everything hurt. Everything...
This is the mud

This is the mud

Many times I’ve heard and read that a lotus only grows in the mud. Recently I’ve been pretty sure that for me, right now, it’s pretty muddy. This is the mud. Somehow the simple fact of saying – or writing – that frees me. Because, yes, it’s the mud. Tomorrow is my...
Learn to accept exactly how you are right now

Learn to accept exactly how you are right now

I have treatment #5 in a few days (or maybe the day you see this). I went for a ‘trot’ today because damn, I wanted to and it might not be at all possible in a few days. I am wobbly and weak, maybe because of my trot. I’m full up on anxiety in this very moment, which...
I’m even trying to do chemo right

I’m even trying to do chemo right

I almost don’t want to admit this. I know it makes sense, based on the past I had and the way I was raised, but I don’t want it to be true. I realized I’m trying to get this chemo thing “right.” To make sure I do – perfectly – whatever it is that I need to do so that...