Tag Archives: love

I love you most

That’s what I say to both my kids, “I love you most.”

My youngest will sometimes ask, “Does that mean you love me more?” I always answer, “No. It means I love you most. I love you both most.”

As I’ve probably written before, I was, in at least some ways, afraid to have kids. I was afraid that I wouldn’t know how to parent them. My husband was afraid that I would leave them. Neither one of us thought I would know what I was doing.

I still may not know what I’m doing, but I know I love my kids, and I know my kids know that I love my kids. That is, to me, in many ways enough. My goal was that they would know that they were loved, and therefore, hopefully, at least some or even most of the time, know that they were lovable. Just because. Just because they’re them.

It’s something I didn’t know. It’s a foundation I didn’t have. I had one parent who never really said anything nice and loving, who, in fact, usually just teased and made fun of me – and of anything nice and loving – but who showed up when I needed someone. When we could no longer live with my grandfather. When I was sick or anorexic. And I had one parent who always said really nice and loving things, but who didn’t show up.

I didn’t know I was loved, and I certainly didn’t know I was lovable. In fact, I was pretty certain I wasn’t lovable.

Loving my kids has been a hoot.

It’s a hoot how easy it is to love them. It’s a hoot how easy it is parent them – even if I don’t always do it “best” or “right.” (As if there’s a “best” or “right.”) It’s a hoot how easy it is to never leave them, to always show up for them, to say a lot of nice and loving things.

It’s a hoot how easy it is to give them so many of the things I wish I’d gotten, and it’s a hoot how giving it to them has given it to me. At least one of my kids would probably say (definitely say) I give too much and say it too much and am totally annoying.

I always say, “I love you most,” in return.

I love loving my kids most. As most as I can. For today, because probably and hopefully tomorrow will be even more.

I love them most.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Categories: My Story, , , Tags:

Be here with love

As we start each yoga practice, the instructor suggests we set an intention for our practice and for our day. I wait to see what comes to me, what moves me at the moment. My intention is often “ease” or “joy” or “peace.” They all make sense. They all capture the ways I want to be in the world.

The other day during practice I cleared my mind as the suggestion was made, and BAM “be here with love” flooded me. Be Here. With Love.

I can be not present, as much as I try to be present. It’s easy to miss what’s going on, what’s right in front of me. It’s easy to get caught up in what I have to do or where I have to be or to be flooded with what happened yesterday or what may happen tomorrow. When that happens, and maybe before that happens, it’s time to remember to be here. Breathe. Pause. Notice. Breathe again.

And love? While I do my best to come from love as much as possible, that can escape me as well. I like to look at strangers as I walk down the street and remember there’s a reason to love them. I like to take a moment and reflect on the people closest to me and how lucky I am to love them. I even – steel yourself – like to remember to love myself.

I think that’s the hardest one for so many of us. To learn to love ourselves. I don’t know how we learn that we don’t deserve love or we have to earn love. I do now know that’s not true. It took me a long time to learn that. I’ve worked hard to learn that.

It doesn’t matter how many of us learned that we don’t deserve love; it matters that we put that false truth down. That we call it out as a lie, and we find a true truth to replace it.

You deserve love. I deserve love. The world deserves more love.

Today I’m going lean into my intention. I’m going to be. I’m going to be here. And I’m going to be here with love. Tons of love.

I’m going to notice the breeze on my skin and the sound of the wind chimes. I’m going to be present. I’m going to allow the emotions and thoughts that flood into my heart and mind and be present with those as well. I’m going to open my heart to the love around me and within me. I’m going to actively express love to the people that matter to me, and I’m going to let in, let in, let in their love in return.

Be Here With Love.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Categories: Recovery, , , Tags:

Stop talking so you (I) can listen

I think many, if not all, of us have a propensity to need to explain ourselves. I know I do.

I have a quest to be heard. To be understood. To be gotten. And this can cause me to talk and talk and talk. To make sure you grasp my situation and my feelings. That you see my point of view.

I’m learning to stop talking so much, so that I can listen. I want to listen to you, to hear your story, to know your truth. I want to listen to others, to be open to their paths and their knowledge.

I’m learning to sit and hear my surroundings. To witness the birdsongs and the breeze blowing. To pay attention. To be more aware.

I’m walking up the street in quiet and allowing myself to be part of my surroundings. I’m not on my phone. I don’t have ear buds in my ears. I hear my footsteps, the laughter of children in the preschool playground, neighbors saying “hello” as I pass by.

I’m quieting the ceaseless chatter in my mind. Well, I’m trying to quiet the ceaseless chatter in my mind. I’m sitting in quiet meditation more often, listening to the world around me and the world within me.

I want to recognize that your truth is at least as true as my truth, and at least as important for me to know. I want to hear your truth. I want to hear my truth of silence and peace. Of calm and overwhelming love.

I believe these truths are there for my hearing, if I will only stop and listen. I believe I have my answers, if I will only be quiet long enough to let myself hear them. I believe the wrongs of the world can be righted if we only stop and listen to each other.

I need to stop talking so that I can listen. I need to stop speaking so that I can hear. I need to stop trying to figure it all out so that I can just be. I need to stop fighting to stay safe so that I can realize I am safe.

The endless chatter in my mind – and in relationships – isn’t necessary, and it isn’t helping me anymore. I may have thought this unending blathering made everything make more sense, but I was wrong.

I’m stopping talking so that I can listen. At least I’m trying to.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

Categories: My Story, , Tags: