Tag Archives: parenting

I love you most

That’s what I say to both my kids, “I love you most.”

My youngest will sometimes ask, “Does that mean you love me more?” I always answer, “No. It means I love you most. I love you both most.”

As I’ve probably written before, I was, in at least some ways, afraid to have kids. I was afraid that I wouldn’t know how to parent them. My husband was afraid that I would leave them. Neither one of us thought I would know what I was doing.

I still may not know what I’m doing, but I know I love my kids, and I know my kids know that I love my kids. That is, to me, in many ways enough. My goal was that they would know that they were loved, and therefore, hopefully, at least some or even most of the time, know that they were lovable. Just because. Just because they’re them.

It’s something I didn’t know. It’s a foundation I didn’t have. I had one parent who never really said anything nice and loving, who, in fact, usually just teased and made fun of me – and of anything nice and loving – but who showed up when I needed someone. When we could no longer live with my grandfather. When I was sick or anorexic. And I had one parent who always said really nice and loving things, but who didn’t show up.

I didn’t know I was loved, and I certainly didn’t know I was lovable. In fact, I was pretty certain I wasn’t lovable.

Loving my kids has been a hoot.

It’s a hoot how easy it is to love them. It’s a hoot how easy it is parent them – even if I don’t always do it “best” or “right.” (As if there’s a “best” or “right.”) It’s a hoot how easy it is to never leave them, to always show up for them, to say a lot of nice and loving things.

It’s a hoot how easy it is to give them so many of the things I wish I’d gotten, and it’s a hoot how giving it to them has given it to me. At least one of my kids would probably say (definitely say) I give too much and say it too much and am totally annoying.

I always say, “I love you most,” in return.

I love loving my kids most. As most as I can. For today, because probably and hopefully tomorrow will be even more.

I love them most.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

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Feel the wind on your skin

I just texted someone I love dearly with the reminder – “Feel the wind on your skin this week. Soak it all in.”

This person is in a big week, and most likely a fun week. And I want them to be in every moment, to soak it all in.

When they were little I’d offer that reminder as we drove down the street in the convertible. “What do you feel right now?” I’d ask. “The wind on my skin,” they’d always reply.

A constant reminder of right here, right now. Where am I? What am I noticing? What can I enjoy?

My work is busy – very busy. It’s easy to get caught up in all that I have to do, all that my clients and business partner are waiting for. Or I can notice the wind on my skin. Right now.

I can be lost in the swirl and anxiety that I won’t get it done, or I won’t get it done in time. Or I can take one minute at a time and focus on the next thing right in front of me. And trust. And feel the wind on my skin.

I’m reminding myself that I always have a choice. I’m choosing to breathe and relax. I’m reminding myself to notice and bask. I’m reminding myself to stay in this moment and to relish this moment.

I’m feeling the wind on my skin.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

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21 years ago today my life was saved even more

It’s hard for me to fathom that my oldest child is twenty-one. I remember turning twenty-one. Vividly.

It’s also hard for me to explain how my life changed – and I changed – when I became a mother. I’m pretty certain that everyone feels a huge shift with parenthood. I would imagine they do. I don’t know if mine was huger. I know it was monumental for me. It was a new beginning.

I had long professed, “the disease stops here.” I had promised myself that I would do whatever I could to not pass along my pain and fear. I didn’t know how I would do it, but I was determined to do it. Whatever it took.

I determined that my kids would always know they were loved. That was my main goal for parenting. I wanted them never to doubt their worth and their worth to me. I’m pretty sure I’ve achieved that.

I know that I’ve passed along some scars and insecurities, and I’m pretty sure that my kids picked up some of their own without my help. But I’m certain that they – at least most days if not all – know that they’re loved. They feel the love that surrounds and supports them. When I say, “I love you most” to them they know I mean it.

I never imagined that loving my children would heal me so much. That being their mom – and loving being their mom – would give me a chance to grow and heal my heart and soul. I never imagined that I would love being a mom – their mom – so much, but perhaps needless to say, it’s my favorite thing to do.

I am – I’ll say it out loud – awed by my ability to be a good mom. And by my ability to acknowledge that I’m a good mom. I’m sure I doubted if I could do it and do it well. Would I stick around? Would I love them enough? Could I love them enough.

On this day I celebrate – my child, my children, my mothering, my healing, my life.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

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