Tag Archives: self-care

Is it okay to expect someone to do what you’d do?

Someone I know is letting me down.

They’re not acting how I want them to act. They’re not doing what I want them to do. They’re not being how I want them to be.

And I’m pissed.

I’ve learned that “expectations are premeditated resentments.” If I expect you to be a certain way, I’m setting myself up to resent you when you’re not that way.

Even if it’s the “right” and “best” way to be. Even if it’s what I’d do if I were them.

Is it okay to expect someone to do what you’d do? To act like you’d act? To be like you’d be?

I’ve decided, for now, that it’s okay to expect it, but that by expecting it, I’m potentially setting myself up to be disappointed. And resentful. And even hurt.

So maybe it’s okay to expect it, or to at least want it. But I’ve learned to be realistic. If this person hasn’t acted like I would act in a certain situation before, what would make me think they’d do that now? No matter how much I want them to? Nothing really. Not if I’m realistic.

So probably best is to admit that I want it but not to expect it. I can wish for this person to be the way I want them to be – to be the way I’d be – and then find a way to be happy with whatever I get or go somewhere else for what I really want and need. “Don’t go to a hardware store for oranges,” I also learned long, long ago.

Expecting someone to be anything is setting myself up to be let down. And honestly, I’ve been let down enough.

It’s a fine line, I think. I’ve had to work hard to be okay with wanting what I want. I’ve had to work hard at realizing I’m allowed to have wants and needs. And I’ve had to work hard to learn that just because I want it doesn’t always mean that others can and will give it to me, and that I therefore have to find it for myself.

Bottom line, I think it’s okay to have standards and things I want, and I think I’m most okay when I don’t need anyone to hit any marks and act in any specific ways. When I just let them be, and I just be.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

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Why do I lift heavy weights?

I was at the gym again this morning, lifting heavy weights.

Often I will stop mid-workout, turn to the guy next to me (not to be too gendered, but in the room where I lift, with the rack and the benches and the heavier weights, it’s mostly guys around me) and laughingly say, “Why do we do this? I mean, it’s kinda weird. We pick up heavy weights, move them around a few times, and put them down. What do we accomplish?”

The guys in the room generally laugh and say something witty back. And, in retrospect, I guess they’ve been kind because none of them have said to me, “Your weights really aren’t heavy!”

They’re heavy to me.

So, why do I do it? I was thinking this through this morning after my workout. Why do I push my body so hard? Especially as I get a little bit older and a little bit shorter – and any of you who know me know that getting a little bit shorter is probably not the most desirable thing on my agenda – and the heavy weights can’t help but push me in the wrong direction. Why do I do it?

Why have I deadlifted more than my bodyweight? And bench-pressed way more than my body weight? (Got that bragging in well, didn’t I?) Why do I?

Well, first off, it’s fun. I love lifting, and I love lifting more than people think I can. Second, when I started lifting I was in business school, and it was way more fun than studying. Then I developed muscles, because I have the type of body type that does. And that was fun too.

And third, and probably deepest and therefore probably most “important,” it makes me feel powerful. Being physically powerful makes me feel completely powerful.

As someone who was, I guess at least in some ways, somewhat of a victim when I was young – or at least somewhat victimized – lifting heavy weights makes me strong and makes me feel strong. Maybe it’s like when my oldest child, who only saw themselves as a “smart kid,” became a varsity athlete and began to see themselves as an athletic kid.

Maybe it’s changed how I view myself. Or maybe it’s given people a chance to view me more how I view myself (and less how my size might lead someone to view me). Deadlifting 115 lbs. reminds me of how powerful I am. As does bench-pressing 120. (I’ve now successfully bragged and told you roughly how much I weigh. ☺)

I like being strong. I probably was always strong on the inside, and I like being strong on the outside too. I like the way it feels, and I like the way I feel. I like reminding myself – as I’m learning more and more we all have to learn, or relearn – that, as Christopher Robin once said to Pooh, “You’re stronger than you think you are.”

I think that’s why I lift stupid heavy weights.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

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Chill out already

Chill out already. Take a break. Put your feet up. Sit back and smell the roses (or whatever flowers you have nearby).

I don’t think there could be wiser words.

I believe the world is rampant with too much over-doing. I believe we all could – or at least I could – stand to take a break. A big break. A much deserved break.

I had a busy weekend. Last night we hosted a fundraiser at my home. It was wonderful and delightful and amazing. And a lot of work. Today was a mixture of getting rid of empty bottles and vacuuming up leaves that got tracked inside the house. All good but all tiring.

It’s time to take a break and chill out already.

I’ve recently found a community of children born and raised in the Church. I was astounded (for some strange reason) to hear stories that seemed so much like mine. “I thought that was just my mom,” I responded. “I thought that was just my weird thought.”

I realized (again) how much it was ingrained in me that all that I did was never enough and all that I gave was never enough. I was taught over and over (and over) to sacrifice more, work harder, shed tears and blood for God. No wonder I can have a hard time chilling out.

There is so much beauty that is mine for the taking, if I’ll just take it. There is so much joy and connection and splendor. There is so much peace and calm and ease. There is so much laughter and fun. As a child I learned that it’s wrong to make these simple pleasures a priority. As an adult I’ve learned that it’s wrong not to.

Chill out already. That is my mantra for today.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you!

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